Not Your Own

I have a copy of a book called, "My Utmost for His Highest".  It is written by a man named Oswald Chambers and the original copyright is 1935.  It was given to me by my Great Aunt Gladys whose faith I incredibly respect.  She is the sister of my Grandma, whose faith I also incredibly respect.  I was very blessed to grow up around people whose faith was the real deal....it showed in everything they did, everyday in every circumstance.  From my parents to grandparents to great aunts.....the real deal.  And, I knew that all of these people in my life had at some time or other read this book.  I have had it for several years now and have read it at different times.  It does sound funny sometimes because it uses words like "ye" or "thou".  But, like I said....1935 was the original copyright date.

There is an entry from this book that I read in the months following Ashlyn's birth that floored me.  I read it to Troy after I read it and all he could say was, "Wow."  Here is a large chunk of it....it is talking about how when we are in Christ, our life is not really our own....even when difficult things happen:

The first thing God does with us is to get us based on rugged Reality until we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption.  Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks?  Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son.  Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so-called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed.  But God will not.  He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says - "Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine."  If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.

After reading it again, I still am floored by it.  I don't think this is saying that God is going around and looking for ways to break our hearts.  I think because this is life, He knows our hearts are going to get broken and this is reminding us that God will use those heart breaks for His purposes if we allow it.  I love the line that says, "We sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity."  First, let me say, I think there is a big difference between self-pity and grieving.  As I have mentioned before, after Ashlyn was born I grieved deeply and I think it was very healthy.  Self-pity is different and I can tell the difference inside of myself.  It is incredible to look back and see that on April 30, 2009 I was on the threshold of God's purpose....Ashlyn being born with Down Syndrome....I just didn't know it yet.  I am so glad that it is not God's plan for us to be stuck in a life of self-pity....He has much more for us.

I think it really comes down to surrender.  The line that says, ".....we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption."  It is finally getting to the place where you know you will never understand, but you really don't have to.  It doesn't matter what happens to us, as long as God gets His way.  Troy and I said early on, even in the midst of great heart ache, that in so many ways we needed Ashlyn.  In so many ways she set us straight.....and she will for a lifetime.  She will always be the measuring stick for us of what is really important and what isn't.  All part of God's purpose and redemption.

And then there is the line that says, "If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, than thank Him for breaking your heart."  I have thought of this so many times since first reading it.  It is probably one of the toughest sentences I have ever read, because who really wants to be thankful for a broken heart?  I think at the core of all of us (at least me) we just really want things to go our way.  We don't want to have to feel pain.  However, I have certainly learned that is not reality.  But, how unbelievably amazing that through that heart break God can bring His purposes to pass in the world?  That if we let Him use it.....the world can be changed?  Our little corner of the world.  And, for me right now, that means loving a little girl with Down Syndrome.  It means taking care of her as God would want me to.....honoring her as God does.  It means actually taking God at His word that the least of those among us are the greatest to Him.  It means watching with my own eyes God take a little child that may be viewed as weak by the world's standards and seeing God's strength through her.  It might not change the world, but it has changed me....and that is Redemption.