I walked into Ashlyn's room and found....

this!!  A big girl standing all the way up in her crib!

I knew she was getting close to pulling herself all the way up and when I walked into her room to get her from her nap and saw this....I was so excited!  I said, "Oh, Ash, mommy is so proud of you!  Now, stay right there, I gotta get the camera!"  As soon as I saw her standing there, it was instant tears in my eyes and a prayer of, "Thank you, God, from the bottom of my heart....thank you."  So much thankfulness for all of the ways she keeps getting stronger.  For all the ways I see God helping her and caring for her.  For all of these little things that are really big things that keep us cheering.  For a little girl who continues to get more of our hearts everyday.

Stand tall, sweet girl!  We love you!

Yoga with Ashlyn

Ever since Ashlyn started crawling, she is getting more mobile and more adventurous in what she is trying.  She is beginning to pull up on furniture if it is the right height for her and even took a few little steps around furniture in recent days!  We are so excited and cheering loud for her around here!  As she is trying new things, she gets herself into some positions that really make us laugh....a lot of the time it looks like she is doing some yoga. I think what she is really doing is trying to figure out how to stand up....I just love watching her getting stronger and trying more things.  Here are some pictures of our little yoga baby:

Getting into position

 Perfect "downward dog"....I think any yoga teacher would call this perfect form!

 "Hi Ash!"

 Looking like she is thinking about a somersault

 Little yoga girl

 And here is the little yoga girl, just being her cute, little self!

We are so proud of our girl and how just keeps trying and going!  Love this little yoga girl who is turning 17 months this week!!

She can laugh at the days to come.....

If you hang around in circles of Christian women very long, you are bound to hear a lot about the Proverbs 31 woman.  In recent years of my life, I have read and heard many teachings on this particular subject from the book of Proverbs.  I think most of it has to do with the fact that I am a wife and a mother (a very proud one!!) and that is what this portion of Proverbs is on. 

I attend a MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers) and this morning at our meeting, this is what the subject was on.  The speaker was great and most of what she had to say was from the perspective of how this woman from Proverbs was a helper to her husband.  Now, I know that immediately this can send some women into instant defensive mode because they think it means they have no voice or no say and that their husband towers over them in domination (none of that is true, but that is for another time.)  I also know that by the worlds standards, this woman spoken of in Proverbs would be considered very weak.....her main purpose in life is to watch over her home and care for her husband and children.  In the worlds eyes strength and success are measured by money, climbing the corporate ladder, getting your way and all of the glamorous perks that go with it.  However, as I am learning and studying more about this woman, I am finding that she is really, really tough.  I want to be her.

My very favorite verse right now in Proverbs 31 is verse 25.  "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."  I love it.  There is so much trust in that sentence....this speaks of a woman who trusts God with everything.....any worry she may have about the future, she trusts God so much that she can just laugh at it.  Now, I in no way think this means a person who is in denial....a person who is so out of touch with reality that they just laugh at everything.  Believe me, I know that sometimes life makes you cry.  Sometimes it is flat out hard.  To me this doesn't speak of not facing things head on and just getting through life with nervous laughter.  To me this means a trust in God that brings joy to today.  Trust in God that doesn't include constant worry about the future.

For many reasons this verse dives straight into my heart right now.  A few weeks ago our oldest daughter started preschool.  She loves it and it is very evident that she is soaking it all up.  For the first few days of preschool, I would notice when I would drop her off and pick her up, I would have this feeling of sadness inside of me.  A feeling of almost feeling like I am going to cry and kind of feeling like I can't breathe at the same time....I am not trying to be overly dramatic....I know this feeling.  This is the feeling of another dose of reality that Ashlyn's life will be different. School will be different for her.  Learning will be different for her.  I have known that ever since she was born, but to see Kyla start preschool, my heart started to ache because of the differences that I know are reality for Ashlyn. 

That is why this verse speaks so much to me.  I know Ashlyn's journey is going to be different....it already is. There will always be reminders of it.  There is the tendency in me to let all of the ways in which Ashlyn's life is going to be different and all of the challenges that are ahead, consume me.  However, there is this really big God in my life who just keeps showing me that isn't what He has for me.  Because there is major reality....Ashlyn has Down Syndrome and with that comes a different life for her and our family.  Yes, at times, my heart is going to ache.   Yes, there will be extra challenges....we can count on it.  But, the biggest reality of all is that all of those days ahead.....the days of unknown in Ashlyn's life, God is already at work on our behalf.  He will provide everything we need.  There is not one thing He cannot handle.  He will work all things together for good.  And, because those truths are bigger than any other reality.....I can "laugh at the days to come!"  It makes me smile right now.  Just try it....whatever is that big worry in your life.....whenever you think of it just smile and let out a big, "Ha, Ha!"  People around you may think you are crazy, but seriously, if they knew the joy in your heart from complete trust in God, they would want to get in on that crazy.

I absolutely love that God's Word speaks to everything in our lives.  To me these words are beautiful....,"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."    If you ask me, that is one strong girl....who finds her strength from trusting a really strong God.

  And here is a girl who knows how to laugh...head back, laughing loud

Love this little girl....my partner in, "laughing at the days to come."

Beautiful chaos

I am a stay at home mama to two little girls I absolutely adore.  At the ages of 3 and 1, it probably doesn't even need to be said that there are some chaotic moments in our days.  Without a doubt the most chaotic time in our day is right around 5:00 p.m.  It is around this time that I am getting dinner ready....wanting it to be nice and hot and ready for when Daddy gets home around 5:30.  Also, at the same time, Ashlyn is ready for dinner so I am trying to feed her while getting everything else ready.  Some days are smoother than others.  One day this past week, was not one of the smoother days.  By this point in the day, the house was filled with toys everywhere, Ashlyn was really struggling because she is teething and it is was really bothering her (and she was hungry) and I was trying to pull everything together for my very gourmet dinner of spaghetti and garlic bread (we love spaghetti, but Kyla really loves it, so I am making it more often for one of the meals you know she is going to eat and love.)  Anyway, Troy got home (yeah!!!), we all gave him a hug and eventually all got our spaghetti.  As I was looking around, all I could do was laugh and start taking pictures.  Because I know that someday when my kids are grown and I can keep my house as clean as I want, I will miss these days....chaotic, but so good. I recently read on another blog that I love...."blogging is for the honest, not the proud."  So, here is some honesty... a peek into my house on any given day around 5:00ish:

Where it all goes down....the kitchen.  On this particular day, it was smelling like spaghetti and garlic bread

The other side of the counter....a little bit of everything.  Bible study material with Bible on top for Wed. night Bible study at church, Gerber puffs that my hand was continually digging in to grab more for Ashlyn and a People magazine to be looked at sometime....my guilty pleasure.  I mean, who doesn't want to know that Jay Z and Beyonce are vacationing on their yacht or that Kate Gosselin has time to get hair extensions and spray on tans....all while I am keeping it real here in Lafayette, IN. 

Kyla enjoying her spaghetti and also deciding that she should show off her freshly painted nails

The honesty continues....dirty dishes in the sink

Toys in the living room....a mixture of Tinkerbell fairies and a Fisher Price nativity set....very random, but not really random at all for Kyla

Somehow Tinkerbell ended up face down on the coloring table

Laundry....folded!  This was folded in the middle of playing with the fairies and the nativity set

Random pile

Another random pile

All of our shoes by the front door.  I am laughing while I am looking at this now, because one of Ash's little pink shoes is missing....who knows where it was at this point?!?  All I know is they were both on her feet today, so at some point we found the other one.

Sweet, little Ashlyn....notice her snotty nose, the result of the teething

Things get better when sister finishes her spaghetti and comes to play

As crazy as it can feel in the moment, it is beautiful chaos.  We don't live in a museum where everything stays in it's place all day.  There is a 3 year old who wants to play with baby Jesus in the manger in September, while Tinkerbell and her fairy friends are nearby and even come to see the manger too.  Before long that same three year old will tell me it is time to for the princesses to get on their dresses....so she will "pretend" put on my gloves, necklace and tiara....she does the same for Ashlyn.  All of the while, there is a one year old needing to be held because her teeth hurt and then wants down to throw toys across the room so she can crawl after them.  We read books, sing songs, talk and laugh. There are also tantrums and moments in time out.  I would not trade a second of it.  To be home with these girls each day is a complete gift.....and most days it ends with a messy house, I am so thankful.  There is life here.

And at the end of the day there is this:

A freshly bathed and jammied, Ashlyn hanging out with Kyla who has now changed into her princess leotard.

At the end of the day, who cares that the house is messy?  There are tuck ins and "I love you's" and joy that we get to do it all again tomorrow.

Beautiful, beautiful chaos.

Matching while it is still cool....

For me, one of the things that is the most fun about having two little girls is dressing them! It becomes even more fun when their grandparents buy them outfits that match.  Back at Easter they were given matching dresses and more recently were given another set of matching clothes.  

Even if they don't have exact matching outfits, I like to try to match them in some way.  Now, I realize that at the ages of three and one, this is still acceptable.  However, I also realize that as they get a little older they will not view this as very cute.  I come from a sister family....I know how it all works.  Clothes/fashion can be a very important part of a girls life. But, for now, Kyla thinks it is so much fun!  She gets so excited when she finds out that her and Ashlyn will be matching.   She has already informed me of her desire for them to be matching at Halloween!

This past Sunday I put them in their most recent matching outfits for church.  Of course, I wanted to get pictures of them together in their outfits.  The reality is that getting them together in a picture and both looking  is nearly impossible.  So, I opted for just taking lots of pictures of them in the same room in their outfits and this is what I got:

Probably as "posed" as we are gonna get

 Kyla did pose for me on her own so I could get an entire outfit shot.  She loved this outfit because it has leggings....her favorite!

 Having fun jumping into her chair

 

Big jump!

 

I love this picture...big sis loving on little sis

 

 

Check out this happy girl!

 Kyla making Ashlyn laugh

 You can just feel the joy!

 

I love being the mommy of these two little girls and all of the fun we have......including with clothes!  I know there will be years of it to come.  So, for now, I will enjoy the simple joy of matching outfits.  Way more than that, I am loving watching the strong bond form between these two girls.  No matter how you slice it, there is nothing like the bond of sisters. 

Sisters....matching while it is still cool.

Sweetest syllables I know....

This past Friday morning, a very ordinary morning became extraordinary when I heard two of the sweetest syllables I have ever heard...."mama".  In recent days, I had heard Ashlyn making a "mama" sound for the first time, but it was never directed at me, she was just making the sound.  And, just that was something to celebrate because it was a new sound she was making.  I am learning much more about speech development than I ever thought I would know.  I have learned that kids often say "dada" first because it is an easier sound for the mouth to make and that "mama" is harder because it involves bringing your lips together and that can be made even more difficult for a child with lower muscle tone, like our Ashlyn. 

Ashlyn has been saying "dada" for quite a while and it is very clear that it is directed at her daddy and usually with a big smile on her face.  I knew it would take longer for me to hear those sweet syllables.  Well, on Friday morning, Ashlyn was having an occupational therapy session and she put down a toy, started crawling toward me and when she reached me she said, "ma ma ma".  It took me by such surprise.....I scooped her up and hugged her and checked to see if everyone around me heard the same thing.  I looked up at Troy and he was smiling at me and we both knew what we heard.  Ashlyn's sweet therapist, Ann, heard it too and we all knew it was directed at me.  She knew who I was.....she was saying my name.  She knows I am her mama. 

The irony of it all is that in the very early and very dark days for me after Ashlyn's birth, I really didn't know if I could be Ashlyn's mama.  I didn't think I could be the mama she needed.....I wasn't sure if my heart would feel all of the mama things it was supposed to feel.  I have known for months that Ashlyn knew I was her mommy, mostly because she went through a recent phase where if she was upset I was the only one she would be calm with.  When I would take her in my arms, it would be immediate peace for her.  That is a really good feeling.  And now a feeling just as good as that....to hear her say it.  For her to tell me that she knows I am her mama.

I think the best feeling of all is how very far we have come.  Isn't it strange how something can start off feeling like you will never be able to do it and then turns in to the most natural thing you can imagine?  That is nothing short of a miracle.  That is God's grace.  That is beauty for ashes.  Ashlyn and I belong to each other....God made me to be her mama and He made her to be my daughter.

I can think of no greater joy than to be called mama by both of my girls.  And the most "beauty for ashes" part of being called mama by Ashlyn is that every time I hear her say it, I will be reminded of the early days of me crying in a hospital room holding my newborn baby wondering if we would ever share a bond..... if I could really be the mama she needed?  That question was very much answered the other morning.  I am Ashlyn Ruby's mama and she knows it.  There are some things you never get tired of hearing....for me, hearing my girls call me "mama" is one of those things.  "Mama"....two of the sweetest syllables I know.

First Day of Preschool

My firstborn started preschool today and it could not have gone better.  I will cherish the memories from this morning always.  I told my husband tonight that someday on her wedding day, these are the kinds of things I will be thinking of.  The moments that moved her one step forward into her future.....all of the milestones and memories we shared together. 

I was emotional about her starting preschool.  Not so much because I was worried about her being there or even that she wouldn't like it, but more because of what it represents.  It represents the fact that we all know to be true....time keeps moving on and things will not always stay the same.  As much as I wish sometimes that I could have my kids always be 6 months old and spend my days sharing coos and smiles with them, that isn't how it works....that is not how God works. 

There is a very familiar verse that I love...."For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11.  I have this verse memorized and have thought about it many times over things concerning me, but recently I have been putting it into the context of my children.  God has plans for my children and I am pretty sure they don't include them staying at one age forever.  I also know I have no idea what those plans are, but I know they are good....they are for a future.  God has known Kyla and His plans for her long before I became her mama.  He knew she would start preschool today, who her teacher would be, the kids in her class and how He would use all of that to shape the plans He has for her.  And, even today, there were moments in my heart where I would feel sadness or fear thinking of what preschool will be like for Ashlyn someday....I know it may look different than how it did this morning for Kyla, but I am completely confident that God's plans for Ashlyn are for her good....for a hope and a future. 

With all of that being said, I know that God understands the hearts of mommies who love their babies and feel the need to cry over their baby albums the night before they start preschool (I may or may not be speaking from personal experience).  Anyway, I worked through the emotions and Kyla had a great first day.  Here are some of the memories I will always cherish:

Front door picture (I am sure this will be a yearly tradition)

Staircase picture (also a yearly tradition in the making)

Loves her backpack

Big "about to go into preschool" hug for Daddy

Ready to head inside

Kyla, Mommy and Daddy....all ready for the first day

Hand in hand....walking to her classroom

Backpack is placed on the hook

This is how I left Kyla this morning....she went straight to her seat with a smile on her face! Ready to go!

Here she is making her way through the crowd at pick up time....a happy preschooler!

She made a beeline for her little sister....happy to see Ashlyn!

It was a great first day of preschool.  I love Kyla so much.  I love Ashlyn so much.  I know it is the deep, deep love I feel for these girls that can make these new experiences bittersweet.  I think it comes with being a mama.  But, I am thankful for the good plans I know that are promised....for a hope and a future.....that includes first days of preschool.

Giggly Girl

The other day Ashlyn and I were playing blocks together.  I was showing her how to stack them up and then what happens when you push them over.  One thing we are learning from Ashlyn's speech therapist is how important it is to talk to Ash about everything we are doing and make sounds to go with everything.  Well, when you take stacking blocks and add noises to go with it....you get laughter.  And, Ashlyn's laughter is the best.  When Ashlyn smiles or laughs you can't help but do the same.....take a look at this video and see if it isn't true.  We love this girl and the sheer joy her laugh brings to our home.

Preschool, here we come!

Is this really happening?  Kyla is starting preschool next week?  I remember 3 1/2 years ago holding this newborn bundle in my arms and preschool seemed like a million years away.....and here it is. Imagine how it will be when it is college?  It is these kinds of moments that make me realize all of the emotions I watched my parents feel over the years with my sister and I.  They are starting to happen to me.  I am glad right now that for Troy and I it is just Tuesday and Thursday mornings....thank goodness it comes in baby steps.

Kyla is getting really excited and I think she is going to love it!  A couple of weeks ago her and I made a special trip for school supplies.  Here we are ready to go with our list:

On the car ride to the store to get the supplies, I was feeling so emotional.  It is the first time I have ever felt sad on my way to Super Target.  The feeling didn't last long....the beauty of Target welcomed us and we had fun finding all of the things on the list we needed.

Got our markers!

My sweet girl about to pick out glue sticks...exciting stuff for a 3 year old!

We brought home all of our things and she excitedly showed them all to Daddy.  For the past couple of weeks we have been talking a lot about it and telling her what a big girl she is and how much fun she is going to have.  Today her preschool teacher had a meet and greet time for the parents and students.  We went to her classroom and talked with her teacher and dropped off all of her school supplies.  Kyla was very quiet through the whole thing but would give sweet, little smiles and I could tell on the inside she thought it was neat. 

Here she is before the "meet and greet" with all of her supplies ready to go in her back pack

Walking down the hall to her room

Here is one of her smiles....seeing where her name is at her own special place where she will sit

I still can't believe she has one of these....I am telling you it feels like yesterday I was writing this name in a baby book.  Yes, I am emotional about it all!

I know when next Tuesday comes and I walk her to that room and say good bye that I will probably cry when I walk away.  But, it will be good tears.  Part sadness because I know this is the first step of her not being at home with me all the time but also happiness for the wonderful girl she is becoming.  The joy of watching her grow, learn and interact.  I was telling my friend this morning who just sent her girl to kindergarten that it is tough being a mama sometimes....so much love and so many emotions.  I wouldn't trade a second of it, though....it is the best job there is.  And, I am so thankful to be the mommy of Kyla Elise....my sweet preschooler.  I am mostly thankful to know that God already has all of Kyla's days ordained and that we can trust He is walking ahead of her.  Right now, for us, that means resting in the fact that she is in God's care as she enters this new phase.  Here we go....preschool!