When my husband and I were seriously dating and then became engaged, we did what all normal couples do.....started to dream about our future. Both of said we would love to have a family together and have three kids. Fast forward many years later to the Spring of 2009.....our second daughter, Ashlyn, had just been born with Down Syndrome. I remember clear as day, standing at our kitchen sink, crying and processing and I told Troy that I didn't think I could have any more children. I couldn't put myself through it......couldn't imagine going through it all again and facing the possibility of it happening again. In those early days, I really felt those feelings. Troy listened to me and understood. A few weeks later, when Ashlyn was about six weeks old, I remember him saying to me with a smile on his face, "I think someday we should have another one." And I knew he meant it and for that reason among a million others, I love him so much. And, when he said it, I knew somewhere in the bottom of my heart, somewhere deep down, I agreed with him.
It took us awhile to bring up the subject again. There were months of deep grieving that gave way to lighter grieving mixed in with smiles. The grieving and wondering continued but more smiles and more laughter came until eventually all of the feelings of the first month's of Ashlyn's life, feeling in some way that we had been cheated, became replaced with the wonderful reality of knowing, we weren't cheated, we had been given an incredible gift. And I began to realize that the feelings of joy after our first daughter Kyla had been born were the same I was feeling with Ashlyn. I look at Ashlyn now and can't imagine our family without her, but I know the grieving was a part of the process. It had to happen and God used it and I am thankful.
As Ashlyn got older, the conversations about having another baby became more frequent. Those feelings I have always had about wanting three babies, they were still there. But, I had a lot of "what-ifs" in my mind. Troy and I talked and prayed. We were open with each other about our fears. I think for me it was a mixture of truly wanting another child but also knowing that God is mysterious and free to do whatever He wants and I can't control Him. I can be as planned out as I want to be about the timing of another baby, but the bottom line is God is free to do whatever He chooses and it scared me. And the more I thought about it and prayed about, I started to feel so weighed down with that fear until God began to speak to my heart and remind me that I have never been in control. Never have, never will be. He always will be. I knew that the only thing holding me back from trying for another baby was fear and that someday I could so live to regret that. That someday years from now if Kyla ever asked me why we never had any more children, if I was being completely honest, my answer would have to be, "We never had any more children because I was too afraid of what God might give us." I would never want that to be my answer to anything. The truth is this powerful, mysterious God did choose to rock my world and shock me with something I never would have dreamed of. But in His Sovereignty He knew it was for good, for His purposes and for our joy. Why would I be afraid to trust Him again?
It was in those months leading up to becoming pregnant, we laid all our fears down. My husband and I made a purposeful decision to have another baby, knowing that we can't control what He chooses to give. And on a Sunday morning, as I looked at a positive pregnancy test all by myself in our bathroom, I knew the real journey of trust had begun. We have been to several prenatal visits so far and at each one our doctor has discussed with us early testing for Down Syndrome and to this point we have turned all of those tests down. I would feel emotional at times, leaving those appointments and fears would start to creep in. Words from one of my favorite authors, Ann Voskamp from her book "One Thousand Gifts" have meant so much to me. One afternoon after one of our prenatal visits I read this.....
"The secret of joy's flame is this, humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control.....let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what He chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper surprised thanks. This is the fuel for joy's flame. Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will."
That afternoon, reading those words, it was like God had given them just for me in that moment. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what He chooses to give. Yes, that is what these nine months of waiting for this baby will be.......bending the knee, letting God give what He chooses to give. It will be emotional as we carry with us the journey we have been on, but I can't wait for a doctor to hand me a little baby and to see what gift God has chosen to give us. And to see with my eyes once again....He only gives love.
So, are we afraid that our next baby will be born with Down Syndrome? In a word....no. I don't live in fear of that. I would be lying if I said I don't have moments where fear hits me or I worry how we will be if it were to happen again. The biggest hurdle of deciding to have another baby after Down Syndrome for me has been the opening myself up again....being vulnerable. Knowing that God is the only author and giver of life and that I can allow myself to once again carry a life He has created, knowing that He is only good. We got to that point of trusting or I wouldn't be seeing a growing belly in front of me. I would have closed myself off to it and always wondered what might have
been.
My husband I have labeled these months of pregnancy and waiting as "open handed living"......living with open hands to receive whatever God chooses to give. Our hands and arms cannot wait to receive the third miracle God has chosen to give us.
"The quiet song of gratitude, lures humility out of the shadows because to receive a gift the knees must bend humble and the hand must lie vulnerably open and the will must bow to receive whatever the Giver chooses to give." Ann Voskamp
