I recently got a new book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. This would be considered a devotional book because it has something new to read for each day and Scripture passages to go with it. I got this book because it was recommended to me by some women I really respect. Anyway, I am really loving it. I love it because in this season of my life with two small children I don't always know how much time I will get alone in God's Word and time in prayer and the pages of this book pack a lot in to just a few paragraphs and verses that support it. One thing I know for sure is that I have to have time with God everyday....some days I can take more time than others, but I need it. I can't make it without God...I know that.
The other day what was written was something I really needed to hear. I will share it....it is from p.196 of "Jesus Calling" and it says:
"You will never be in control of your life circumstances, but you can relax and trust in My control. Instead of striving for a predictable, safe lifestyle, seek to know Me in greater depth and breadth. I long to make your life a glorious adventure, but you must stop clinging to old ways. I am always doing something new within My beloved ones. Be on the lookout for all that I have prepared for you."
Just the sentence that says I can't control my life circumstances but to relax and trust in God's control is a sentence I could read everyday and I would probably still need to hear it. What really spoke to me were the parts that talked about not striving for a predictable lifestyle and to stop clinging to old ways.
In a very real way, I find myself clinging to my "old" life before Down Syndrome became part of my world. This is in no way saying I am not completely in love with Ashlyn....it is saying I am still learning. Life with Ashlyn has been a huge learning curve and everyday I find it getting to be more that way. The older she gets, the more is expected of her and the more we have to figure out. I said to my sister on the phone the other day that I feel like I spend most of my days feeling like I have no idea what I am doing. I hate that feeling.
In recent days I have found myself using the phrase, "Well, with Kyla....." and then fill in the blank...it could be anything. I compare our situation now to how it was with Kyla. Yes, things with Kyla came a lot easier....it was pretty much textbook and so I find my head spinning at times in this new world. But, that is just it....it is new. God is doing something new. He is always doing something new.
There are moments of grieving that still come to me from time to time and they often involve me remembering something with Kyla and then comparing it with how things are with Ashlyn. The joy of seeing Kyla learn something new everyday, hearing her sing her ABC's for the first time, taking her first steps....and all of it with little effort on my part. I see my little Ashlyn work and work. We have a therapist at our house three different times in the week. To see Ashlyn make progress in something comes in baby steps. And, there are times when I am still clinging so much to old things and old ways that I forget God is always out in front of us....that is where He is. He is never behind us....always in front.
Fourteen months into this journey there are times when I think I am still trying to accept all of this. And I am learning it isn't so much the acceptance of the fact that my daughter has Down Syndrome it is that God is doing something new.....the acceptance just of that and to let go and just let it happen. No, my life is not like it was two years ago, but when has my life always stayed the same? I am learning so much more during uncertainty and a life that isn't "safe and predictable" than I ever did before. I love the sentence that said, "God wants to make my life a glorious adventure, but I have to stop clinging to old ways." That sums it up for me....I needed to read that and face it. I find myself at times fighting this....all of this newness. I am working on letting go and following the God of new things into a glorious adventure He has prepared for me and our family.
"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19
Shari, I just love reading your blog. And you are so right, God is always in front of us each step of the way in our journeys through this life. He doesn't give to us as the world gives, and that is something wonderful to have much hope in!
ReplyDeleteLove you to all!
Adrienne
Shari,
ReplyDeleteI needed to read this, this came at the right time for me for what is going on in my life right now! Thanks for sharing! I love reading your blogs keep them coming you are an inspiration!
Vicky Hensler
I don't know how to post this so I am putting anonymous but I hope you get my name at least.
Shari,
ReplyDeleteI needed this right now, too. I'm going to buy some copies of that book. This blog is a wonderful ministry!
Shari,
ReplyDeleteI'm so impressed with how far you've admittedly come with Ashlyn's diagnosis. I am not so sure I was even close to the same place when Cason was 14 months old.
I'm not sure if you remember from my story, but when I had Cason, and in the few months after his birth, I was so mad at God, feeling as though I was 'gypped' of my perfect child, the one I had prayed so hard for. Since we had to go through so much just to get pregnant, surely God would give us a healthy, perfect child, right?
I cried, I yelled, and yes, I even considered the fact that I couldn't be Cason's mommy, but slowly, God opened my eyes and showed me the perfection in his tiny face, his cute little hands, and his beautiful smile. This was the baby that God wanted me to have, the one that would make me the person I am today.
There are days, even now that he's 5 1/2 years old, that I get sad, but you know what? Those days are fewer and fewer and I've become so much more optimistic about his future. I expect Cason to drive a car, live in his own apartment or house, and go to some sort of college. We are raising him the same way we would any child; to be empathetic, socially-aware, and loving. He's my whole heart (and I'm sure my husband would agree to the same) and I CANNOT imagine my life without him. Yes,it does take him longer to do things, to meet certain goals, and to keep up with most of his peers, but he does do it. And so will Ashlyn!!! In her own timing and within God's perfect plan, Ashlyn will do all that she is supposed to do. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. She will surprise and amaze you in ways you will not believe!
Keep that positive attitude and remember that it does get better--hasn't God proved that already?
Peggy Cooper-Smith
Proud mommy of Cason
Thank you all for your words and for sharing this journey with me....it means more than you know!
ReplyDeletePeggy - Thank you for your honesty...I can't wait to meet you in person!!
Shari-as I was reading this post I just imagined in my head what it will be like for you when Ashlyn does finally take her first steps. I think with the predictable, yeah those new things are still exciting, but after a couple days the newness wears off and it is easy to take it for granted. But with Ashlyn I doubt that you will ever do that because she has had to work harder and fight more to make those little steps. I think we should have a huge party when that day comes because that's something I totally want to celebrate with you! Love you and your girl!
ReplyDelete