Did I Cause This?

 As I have said before, so much of this blog is like therapy for me.  Soon after Ashlyn was born I remember telling Troy that I really would like to have a blog just to get my thoughts and feelings out.  I knew, though, that I wasn't really ready to share it all...my emotions were way too raw.  A year later, after much healing has taken place and my mind is in a clearer place, it still feels really good to share some of the emotions and thoughts that were faced.  I am telling you, therapy.

It was probably a couple of hours after Ashlyn was born and after the doctor had told us he believed she had Down Syndrome and they would order a chromosome test, that I first thought in my mind, "I wonder if I did something to cause this?"  It was the most frightening thought and it took me awhile to even say it out loud for fear that someone would tell me that, yes, I did.  How would I ever live with myself?  I really did not know much at all about Down Syndrome, so I really didn't know.  I started to wonder lot of things to myself....wondering if maybe I didn't take the right kind of prenatal vitamins, or if I skipped days of prenatal vitamins, or if I should have taken more folic acid, or if the stress of moving at the beginning of my pregnancy was too much.  Here is a picture of me with Ashlyn just hours after she was born....this is not a flattering picture, but go easy on me, I had just given birth and been told some very difficult information.  Anyway, I can remember this time and I know one of the main thoughts in my head was, "If it is true, that she has this, I wonder if it is my fault?"  Agony.

It was probably later that night or later the next day when I first told Troy what I was thinking.  He tried to assure me, but I knew in my heart, neither of us really knew what was going on.  How would either of us know?  We had to wait a few days to get the chromosome results as I mentioned in an earlier post.  It was in that moment when the neonatologist confirmed to us that Ashlyn did have Down Syndrome, that I asked for the first time.  We had been asking different questions and she was giving us information....and there was lots of crying.  Finally, as it was nearing the end, I had to ask.  I don't know how she understood me through the tears, but I just asked her, "Was it something I did?  Did I cause this?"  She immediately got up, threw her arms around me, and tearfully told me, "No!  This is not your fault.  You can't cause Down Syndrome.  Don't believe this was your fault." 

Even as we were released from the hospital and began our life at home with Ashlyn, I could not shake the fear.  I would lay awake in bed at night and just worry about it.  I would think of everything....it was getting to the point of tormenting.  As I started to read more information about Down Syndrome, I would read exactly what the doctor had told me in the hospital...there is no cause for Down Syndrome.  It is no fault of the parents.  So, I started to believe it in my head, but it just wasn't reaching my heart yet.

We were at the Down Syndrome Clinic at Riley for Ashlyn's 6 month check-up and I still hadn't reached peace on it yet.  I figured, this was the time to ask again.  These were the doctors who specialize in Down Syndrome...they do research on it...they will know.  So, again, at the end of the appointment, through tears, I asked, "Was this something I did?  Did I cause this?"  And, again, this doctor put her arms around me as I cried and said, "Absolutely not.  You can't cause Down Syndrome, you can't prevent it.  This has absolutely nothing to do with anything you did."  She said something else that really helped me.  She said, "There are some things in life that we just cannot control and having a child with Down Syndrome is one of those things."  After that appointment, it started to reach my heart.

I think it was her statement about control that got to me the most.  That was it....control.  I think in some ways if someone would have said, "Yes, this is what caused it," at least there would have been an answer...some way to make sense of it. Something I could have controlled. But for just a random occurrence at the moment of conception...how could that be?

In the months after Ashlyn's birth, I realized this was the first time that something had happened in my life that I absolutely could not control (something of this magnitude, at least.)  I couldn't control that Ashlyn was born with an extra chromosome and I couldn't control the fact that there was nothing we could do about it.  There is no surgery, medicine or amount of time that will remove Down Syndrome...it is forever.  Talk about a loss of control.

In this past year of processing all of this, I have come to see that the bottom line of it all is that in medical terms Ashlyn being born with Down Syndrome is a random defect, but that to God, Ashlyn's Creator, this was His divine design for her.  He was not surprised.....His plan was unfolding.  So, it wasn't random, it was God ordained. I don't know why, I just know that God knows, and so it is okay.  And, for me, that is freedom. Believe me, coming to this conclusion and finding this peace, was a long and painful road.  I asked a lot of questions and had a lot of doubts.....things I have never doubted before. I have always heard that God is big enough for our questions and it is true. He let me ask, even be angry, and lovingly led me to a place of peace. Loss of control can open your eyes to a lot of things. 

Here are some lyrics from a song by Sara Groves (who I love) that speaks to this perfectly:
"Remember surrender, remember the rest. Remember that weight lifting off of your chest and realizing that it's not up to you and it never was."