Ashlyn's First Birthday

So, I know this probably sounds weird, but one of the things I have been dreading since Ashlyn was born was her first birthday. I can remember back to the days and weeks after she was first born when I was still in a place of constant grieving and many of my thoughts would turn to how different our life would be having a daughter with Down Syndrome. My thoughts would range from big things to little things. Every time a new one would come to me it would be like another jab of sadness or a new piece of reality setting in. Early on thoughts of her birthdays started coming to me. I thought it would be nearly impossible to ever be happy when April 30 appeared on the calendar....I thought that day would forever be filled with sadness and memories of our world being completely rocked.

I think part of the birthday thing was remembering back to Kyla's birthdays. Her first birthday was so happy. So many of our friends and family gathered with us and Kyla was doing so many things and the future just seemed so bright. She was starting to say words and cruising around furniture. She was always doing something new and not one piece of it was learned from the aid of therapists. Everything just came so easy and so it was easy to celebrate. Plus, the day she was born was...happy. Again, easy to celebrate. So, as the day of Ashlyn's birthday started getting closer, I started feeling the emotions again. And, in so many ways, I think it was healthy for me to. I needed to feel it and I let myself. I let myself relive it and cry. I recognized that, yes, it would be different, but also that we had come so very far in a year.

A few weeks before Ashlyn's first birthday, God was so faithful to let me hear a sermon at church that I really needed to hear. It was a piece of healing for me. I really love the pastor at my church, actually I am in love with him. Don't worry, it's all good....he is my husband. And, I am very blessed that he is also my pastor. It was right after Easter and Troy was doing a sermon series on how the resurrection of Jesus changes our day to day life. The particular sermon was about joy coming from mourning. I was taking notes as he was preaching and one of the things I wrote was, "When the resurrected Jesus enters the moments of pain in our lives, they are changed from death to life." After I wrote that I put a note for myself beside it that said, "Ashlyn's birthday can be pure joy because Jesus has entered that moment." One more note I wrote that was part of the sermon was this, "Every tear we cry can be redeemed."

So, I bought and wrapped presents, put up balloons and decorated a cake....we got ready to celebrate. Our girl was turning one! I was still feeling fear as the day approached and wondering how I would feel. I was worried I would focus on the things she wasn't yet doing that other one year olds were. Our family came...the ones who saw us in deep pain a year prior and walked with us and loved us so deeply(my sister, Kara, couldn't be at the party, but I know she was feeling it all with us).

The day was so wonderful...we celebrated. Ashlyn had lots of help from her big sister opening her presents. She smiled and clapped. The highlight for me was when it was time for the cake. I had been so worried that when I put cake in front of Ashlyn she wouldn't know what to do (we are still working on her picking up food with her fingers...and she is getting better and better at it). Anyway, I put a plate in front of her with cake and no less than 5 seconds later her hand was smashed in it and she put it in her mouth! She just kept going and my heart felt joy. In that moment, I felt tears being redeemed. A day I had thought would always be marked with sadness, was full of happiness. As I am getting farther on this journey, one thing I am learning is that we have a lifetime ahead of us with Ashlyn to see tears being redeemed by Jesus himself. We will always remember the deep sadness, pain and sense of loss that filled the beginning of her life and along the way we will get to see those tears being redeemed. And, I know there will be more tears along the way...there are challenges and it still hurts sometimes, but I have the hope and knowledge that nothing is beyond redemption.

So, I included some pictures of the birthday girl and moments from her big day. Enjoy!