Smoke Free

A couple of weeks ago I got a call from Clarian Arnett Hospital....this is the hospital where Ashlyn was born and where we spent a week with her in the NICU.  They asked if we would be willing to share some of our story of the time we were in the NICU for a brochure that is being made for families who will spend time there.  I was happy to do it.  Last week I found myself talking with someone from the hospital's marketing department.
 
Fifteen months later, it was still emotional to talk about.  But it was good.  I felt my heart beating fast during the conversation as I recounted and remembered all of the emotions.  I think another reason for the rapid heart rate was I knew that my words would be read by someone someday who would be holding their newborn baby while in disbelief that it is all happening within the walls of the NICU department.  While crying more than smiling and possibly feeling like life as they knew it is over.  Every time I drive by that hospital I find myself praying for the families in the NICU.

I was asked really good questions.  I had nothing but wonderful things to say about all of the nurses and staff in the NICU.....I could feel them rooting for Ashlyn the whole time we were in there.  There was one nurse who worked the midnight shift and would sit with us and show us different ways to give Ashlyn a bottle.  All of those nurses saw us in our most vulnerable state and treated us with such kindness.  I would see tears in some of their eyes as they watched me cry.  They loved Ashlyn and my heart will always be tender to those who loved and cared for our girl so well.

Some of the questions I am sure I didn't answer so eloquently as I was trying to condense all of the emotions I was feeling into concise statements.  But, there was one question I was asked that I didn't even hesitate on.  The kind woman who was interviewing me asked,  "How did you make it through that time?"  My answer came quick...I said, "Jesus Christ."  I told her that the relationship my husband and I have with Jesus is everything to us and that during those very dark days we knew somewhere in the pit of our hearts that God was in control and that Ashlyn was meant to be ours.  I know that she probably can't put all of that in a hospital brochure but there was no way I could deny what I knew to be the flat out truth.  It felt really good to say it....to share it.  To brag on the very One who is our everything.

After I finished the conversation I really was emotionally spent after feeling it all again.  And, it started to hit me how far we have come.  During those days in the NICU and for many weeks to follow, I really thought I would never be okay again.  I thought I would never be able to accept the diagnosis we were given and that even if I did accept it, we would never know joy again.  Well, I feel joy every time I look at Ashlyn, so I know I was wrong about that one.  It made me think of the "Breaking Free" study I was doing soon after Ashlyn was born....the study that prompted the name of this blog.  In the weeks of the study that focused on God bringing beauty from ashes in our lives, there is this quote, "When we come out of the fire, we don't have to smell like smoke for the rest of our lives."   I was thinking as I finished the conversation....we don't smell like smoke anymore.

In the days after Ashlyn was born, I thought the pain would walk with us forever, that anyone who was ever around us would know it.  It just isn't that way when God gets a hold of our pain.  I am not trying to make it sound like it is all easy all the time or that there aren't moments of pain.  I am saying that the pain that was our days in the NICU and following are not our reality today.  I can talk about it and remember it...but I am not there anymore.  It will always be a part of us.  A very defining part, but God didn't leave us there.  These days, we are breathing in deep and taking in lots of fresh air.  With God's help, over time we really can move on.


I was asked to send the hospital a picture of Ashlyn in the hospital and one from today.....:

Loving the fresh air.