Not Your Own

I have a copy of a book called, "My Utmost for His Highest".  It is written by a man named Oswald Chambers and the original copyright is 1935.  It was given to me by my Great Aunt Gladys whose faith I incredibly respect.  She is the sister of my Grandma, whose faith I also incredibly respect.  I was very blessed to grow up around people whose faith was the real deal....it showed in everything they did, everyday in every circumstance.  From my parents to grandparents to great aunts.....the real deal.  And, I knew that all of these people in my life had at some time or other read this book.  I have had it for several years now and have read it at different times.  It does sound funny sometimes because it uses words like "ye" or "thou".  But, like I said....1935 was the original copyright date.

There is an entry from this book that I read in the months following Ashlyn's birth that floored me.  I read it to Troy after I read it and all he could say was, "Wow."  Here is a large chunk of it....it is talking about how when we are in Christ, our life is not really our own....even when difficult things happen:

The first thing God does with us is to get us based on rugged Reality until we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption.  Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks?  Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son.  Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so-called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed.  But God will not.  He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says - "Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine."  If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.

After reading it again, I still am floored by it.  I don't think this is saying that God is going around and looking for ways to break our hearts.  I think because this is life, He knows our hearts are going to get broken and this is reminding us that God will use those heart breaks for His purposes if we allow it.  I love the line that says, "We sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity."  First, let me say, I think there is a big difference between self-pity and grieving.  As I have mentioned before, after Ashlyn was born I grieved deeply and I think it was very healthy.  Self-pity is different and I can tell the difference inside of myself.  It is incredible to look back and see that on April 30, 2009 I was on the threshold of God's purpose....Ashlyn being born with Down Syndrome....I just didn't know it yet.  I am so glad that it is not God's plan for us to be stuck in a life of self-pity....He has much more for us.

I think it really comes down to surrender.  The line that says, ".....we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption."  It is finally getting to the place where you know you will never understand, but you really don't have to.  It doesn't matter what happens to us, as long as God gets His way.  Troy and I said early on, even in the midst of great heart ache, that in so many ways we needed Ashlyn.  In so many ways she set us straight.....and she will for a lifetime.  She will always be the measuring stick for us of what is really important and what isn't.  All part of God's purpose and redemption.

And then there is the line that says, "If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, than thank Him for breaking your heart."  I have thought of this so many times since first reading it.  It is probably one of the toughest sentences I have ever read, because who really wants to be thankful for a broken heart?  I think at the core of all of us (at least me) we just really want things to go our way.  We don't want to have to feel pain.  However, I have certainly learned that is not reality.  But, how unbelievably amazing that through that heart break God can bring His purposes to pass in the world?  That if we let Him use it.....the world can be changed?  Our little corner of the world.  And, for me right now, that means loving a little girl with Down Syndrome.  It means taking care of her as God would want me to.....honoring her as God does.  It means actually taking God at His word that the least of those among us are the greatest to Him.  It means watching with my own eyes God take a little child that may be viewed as weak by the world's standards and seeing God's strength through her.  It might not change the world, but it has changed me....and that is Redemption.

Small Victories

In recent weeks, Ashlyn has been starting to get the hang of things that we have been working on for months.  It is so fun to see it and watch her getting things.  It is the coolest thing to all of a sudden one day just see her do something that we have been doing over and over.  There has been lots of me clapping, letting out excited squeals and calling Troy on the phone saying, "Babe, listen to this!"  Kyla also shares in the excitement, which is so great because she joins in Ashlyn's therapy sessions and sees her working on all of these things.  That girl loves her baby sister.

Ashlyn is almost 15 months and so about a month ago I knew I really needed to get her off of her bottle.  I also knew she very much loved her bottle so it was going to be a struggle.  She was having a tough time getting the hang of drinking from a straw, so we tried a sippy cup.  There was some strong opposition on her part, but I finally found one that worked for her (the Nuk EZ cup).  At this point, Ashlyn can drink from it just fine but still needs help holding it.  Here are some pictures of her and her new cup:

Getting ready to pick it up

Holding it with both hands....this was right before she threw it across the room.  We are working on it:)

Another major accomplishment is that she can now pick up food on her own and put it in her mouth with no help at all.  Before, Ashlyn was getting the food all twisted up in her hand....now she does is just right.  It is the greatest thing to be able to put cheerios on her tray and she can do it all on her own....here she is:

Picking it up

Putting it in

 
And enjoying it

Another area that Ashlyn is making great strides in is speech.  She is not talking, but is really responsive to her speech therapist and has fun with it.  We are teaching her sign language and there are three signs that she uses on a regular basis....the sign for "more", the sign for "all done" and the sign for "dog."  My favorite is when she signs "all done" because along with it she says, "ah da".  I was initially very apprehensive about the idea of sign language, but now it is just a part of our normal days and the whole family is learning it.  

I know some of these things might not seem like that big of deal, but we are celebrating them because Ashlyn has been working so hard and we have been working hard to help her!  From the day she was born, everyone kept telling us that she would do most of what everyone else does, it would just take longer.  We are finding that to be true and also feeling the great joy of watching her learn new things.

 All of that being said, I still wake up a lot of mornings with the first thought in my head being that Ashlyn can't crawl yet and trying to think of what I can do to help her (today was one of those mornings).  I feel the weight of her delays sometimes, but I am really praying that as time passes the weight will feel lighter.  Not because Ashlyn starts to do more things, but because the changes that need to transform me keep happening.  And I really believe that is what God is all about.....transforming us in the middle of pain and our circumstances to look more like Him and react more like Him and walk through it with us the whole way.  When we belong to Christ, nothing is wasted.  It is still a journey and transformation is still a work in progress, but thank goodness for a really merciful God who I absolutely know is always at work on our behalf.  And, for the record, when Ashlyn does start crawling, I bet you will be able to hear us celebrating from miles away!

30

I turned 30 yesterday.  I really didn't have a hard time with turning 30.....I loved my 20's, but am also looking forward to all God has waiting for me in my 30's.

I had such a wonderful birthday weekend, all due to my amazing husband and all the hard work he did to surprise me!  It started on Friday night with a knock on our door....and there was my sister, Kara and her boyfriend, Dustin.  Anyone who knows me knows that I adore my sister and we are very, very close.  So, I was beyond excited to see her.  Having Kara here to celebrate my birthday with me was the best gift I could have gotten.  Here is a picture of Kara with Kyla:

 

Troy had many other surprises waiting for me that I knew nothing about including a dinner with my friend, Kandace, and her husband and then a gathering of many friends waiting for us at Calvin Fletcher's Coffee Company where our dear friends, Doug and Judy Litsey are the managers.  When I first walked in I was so surprised because Troy had gathered many of our dear friends who were made at different points in my 20's. 

It meant so, so much to me and we had such a wonderful time visiting with everyone.  I didn't get a lot of pictures because I was so busy talking and having fun (my sister got a lot of good ones) but here are a couple that I have from the evening:

Kara, me and Kandace.  Kandace and I became friends in college....we had almost every single class together through our whole college career...many memories!

With my friends Tracy and Jennifer.  Jennifer and I went to college together and our husbands are friends also.  We had double dates in our college days and then were also in Kansas City together while our husbands were in seminary...they will always be dear friends of ours.  I met Tracy when we first moved here to Lafayette and we became instant friends.  Seriously, it was instant!  We will be traveling our 30's together...I am so thankful!

At one point in the weekend Troy asked me what were the highlights of my 20's.  It was a very easy question to answer.  My 20's were filled with so much.  The one constant of my 20's was Troy Hochstetler......and I am so happy that he will be for decades to come.  Troy asked me to marry him when I was 20 and we got married when I was 21.  Other precious things from my 20's include:

*Troy and I getting engaged - 20
*Graduating from college - 21
*Getting married!!!! - 21
*Moving to Kansas City with my brand new husband....getting an apartment together and starting my first job out of college....I worked at Kansas City Life Insurance Company in their Human Resources dept. doing recruiting and I loved it!
*Next move....to Indianapolis - 25
*Finding out I was pregnant for the first time - 25
*Kyla being born....definitely one of the best days of my life - 26
This year I got my dream job of being a stay at home mom
*Next move....to Lafayette, Indiana - 28
*Finding out I am pregnant with our second baby - 28
*Ashlyn is born and we are told she most likely has Down Syndrome...one of the hardest days of my life - 28
At this point in my 20's, I learned for the first time in my life that everything can change in a moment and began the journey of watching God make beauty from ashes.

I am deeply grateful as I look back over my 20's.  I became a wife and a mother in this past decade.  I made lifelong friendships.  I grew to know and love Jesus more.  There are no words I really can use to say all that these past 10 years have meant to me.  They have been very defining years....there are memories and moments that I will carry in my heart always.  When I turn 80, I might not remember it all clearly, but I will remember saying "yes" to Troy and marrying him.  I will remember having my first baby and holding Kyla and beginning motherhood with her.  I will remember seeing Ashlyn for the first time and the tears I cried over her.  I will remember how God was every bit as faithful as His Word says He is and that He turned weeping into joy.

As I look ahead into my 30's I have no idea all that will happen.  I know that God goes before me.  I know that Troy and I will journey through another decade together.  I know that I will get the deep joy of being a mommy to Kyla and Ashlyn....two of the greatest blessings I have ever received.  I know there will be highs and lows....joys and struggles.  And, I know that God will continue to be faithful and good.  So, to my 30's, I say, "Bring it on!"   And, here are my deepest loves that I get to share all of this with:

From where I am sitting, the 30's look really good.

Fun in the Kiddie Pool

The girls and I spent some of our time this past week trying to cool off in the kiddie pool.  I wanted to have Kyla and Ashlyn both in at the same time, but they always seemed to be napping at different times so it didn't work.  But, they both had a blast.  We are loving this summer!  Here are some pictures of the girls splashing around:

"Oh, I think this is going to be fun!"

Very fun!

 

Kyla getting in on the fun

 

Cooling off....

 

Loving it!

 

"I got wet!"

 

Laughing....

 

More laughing.....

 

Mid-splash....and showing off the long lashes both of our girls got from their Daddy

 

As I was out by the pool with Ashlyn, all I could think about was the place of deep sadness and confusion I was in a year ago at this time.  Honestly, at that time, I never thought I would be sharing these kind of moments with Ashlyn....I couldn't imagine happiness or even the fact that moments like these would feel just like they did with Kyla....pure love. 

I wish it could have been possible that 14 1/2 months ago when I was in a NICU room in the hospital feeling like my world was crashing down around me and wondering what life was going to be like in our future that someone could have shown me these pictures.  I wish someone could have put their arm around me and flipped through these pictures and said, "You have no idea what is waiting for you.  I know right now you think you will never be happy again and you will never share a bond with this baby, but just wait.  Just wait.  God has something so special waiting for you, you aren't going to believe it.  And, if you need just a little more convincing of the beauty that is coming, take a look at this:"

Married to a Pastor

My husband is a pastor and it is a really cool life.  The thing is that I love my husband so much that anything he did would make for a really great life, but Troy was meant to be a pastor, so that is the coolest part about it.  I have known Troy since we were teenagers and from the beginning I knew he had a call on his life to be a pastor.  There are things about his job that make our life unique at times, but I am learning more and more the things that are the most unique about your life are often what mean the most and what shape you the most.

I get a mixture of responses when people find out I am the wife of a pastor.  Here are some that stick in my mind from over time:

*"I thought you had to be old to be a pastor" - This one makes me laugh:)

*"I didn't know pastors were allowed to get married" - I think at the time, in my head I was thinking, "Ummmmm, well, if he was a Catholic priest it would be quite a problem, but the Protestant church is okay with it."

*"So, your husband preaches?"  -  My response, "Yes."  What else can you say?

*"Oh, that is great!  I love my pastor or our pastor and his wife mean so much to us."  - Kind responses from kind people.

*"When your husband counsels people does he tell you what they talk about?"  -  My response, "No, that is all kept in confidence."  To which sometimes I have gotten the response, "Well, doesn't that drive you crazy that he doesn't tell you everything?"  My response, "Not really because if I talked to my pastor or counselor in private, I would want it kept private."

*"I could never do that" or "Better you than me" or "I would not want that life" - In general, these types of responses either make me sad or irritate me.  Most often they come from people who have grown up in church, which is why it is so sad because they have probably at some point seen a pastor and his family treated very badly and they don't want that for themselves (I understand this because I too have seen this happen to pastors).  Or, they have a view of being a pastor's wife that is not the reality of my life - like you have to play the piano, always teach Sunday School, you won't have any friends, you have to wear out of style clothes, your husband will always be at church and will never have time for family, or that people will always criticize your husband making your life miserable. I think the main reason this is not true for me is because of the wonderful church that we are blessed to serve at.  We deeply love the people there and they love us in return....they love our kids and they let us be ourselves....it is such a gift.

The reason it irritates me is that I just don't think it is kind to say to someone that you would not want their life.  Sometimes when people say things like that to me in my head I am thinking of all the reasons I would not want to be them, but that would not be very kind of me to say, would it?  So, I try to just smile and move on.

I think this is on my mind because over the weekend Troy officiated at a wedding of a very sweet couple from our church.  I have seen him do other weddings, but as he was pronouncing them husband and wife I was thinking what a great life this is.  To get to walk with people in this way.  To be with them as they start their married life, walk with them as they bury someone they love, pray with them as they struggle or question, celebrate all the joys that life can bring, and grow in their faith.  And the people of the church do all of these things along with us as well.  Some days when Troy comes home from work I am amazed at all that took place in his day.  Sometimes it is as simple as sermon prep (this would not be easy for me, I am talking about Troy) and administrative types of things and others it is filled with hospital visits and people who need to talk.

I think the reason I love it the most, is that Troy's heart was made to be a pastor.  It truly is a calling and to get to see him fulfill his, there really isn't anything better.  Week after week as I listen to him preach I am thinking about how much he was made for this.  We are completely humbled and very honored that we are allowed the privilege of this life. 

Here is a picture of me and my sweet pastor husband after the wedding on Saturday night

Yes, I am a pastor's wife and I wouldn't trade it, especially because of the pastor I am married to.

Glorious Adventure

I recently got a new book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.  This would be considered a devotional book because it has something new to read for each day and Scripture passages to go with it.  I got this book because it was recommended to me by some women I really respect.  Anyway, I am really loving it.  I love it because in this season of my life with two small children I don't always know how much time I will get alone in God's Word and time in prayer and the pages of this book pack a lot in to just a few paragraphs and verses that support it.  One thing I know for sure is that I have to have time with God everyday....some days I can take more time than others, but I need it. I can't make it without God...I know that. 

The other day what was written was something I really needed to hear.  I will share it....it is from p.196 of  "Jesus Calling" and it says:

"You will never be in control of your life circumstances, but you can relax and trust in My control.  Instead of striving for a predictable, safe lifestyle, seek to know Me in greater depth and breadth.  I long to make your life a glorious adventure, but you must stop clinging to old ways.  I am always doing something new within My beloved ones.  Be on the lookout for all that I have prepared for you."

Just the sentence that says I can't control my life circumstances but to relax and trust in God's control is a sentence I could read everyday and I would probably still need to hear it.  What really spoke to me were the parts that talked about not striving for a predictable lifestyle and to stop clinging to old ways.

In a very real way, I find myself clinging to my "old" life before Down Syndrome became part of my world.  This is in no way saying I am not completely in love with Ashlyn....it is saying I am still learning.  Life with Ashlyn has been a huge learning curve and everyday I find it getting to be more that way.  The older she gets, the more is expected of her and the more we have to figure out.  I said to my sister on the phone the other day that I feel like I spend most of my days feeling like I have no idea what I am doing.  I hate that feeling.

In recent days I have found myself using the phrase, "Well, with Kyla....." and then fill in the blank...it could be anything.  I compare our situation now to how it was with Kyla.  Yes, things with Kyla came a lot easier....it was pretty much textbook and so I find my head spinning at times in this new world.  But, that is just it....it is new.  God is doing something new.  He is always doing something new. 

There are moments of grieving that still come to me from time to time and they often involve me remembering something with Kyla and then comparing it with how things are with Ashlyn.  The joy of seeing Kyla learn something new everyday, hearing her sing her ABC's for the first time, taking her first steps....and all of it with little effort on my part.  I see my little Ashlyn work and work.  We have a therapist at our house three different times in the week.  To see Ashlyn make progress in something comes in baby steps.  And, there are times when I am still clinging so much to old things and old ways that I forget God is always out in front of us....that is where He is.  He is never behind us....always in front. 

Fourteen months into this journey there are times when I think I am still trying to accept all of this.  And I am learning it isn't so much the acceptance of the fact that my daughter has Down Syndrome it is that God is doing something new.....the acceptance just of that and to let go and just let it happen.  No, my life is not like it was two years ago, but when has my life always stayed the same?  I am learning so much more during uncertainty and a life that isn't "safe and predictable" than I ever did before.  I love the sentence that said, "God wants to make my life a glorious adventure, but I have to stop clinging to old ways."  That sums it up for me....I needed to read that and face it.  I find myself at times fighting this....all of this newness.  I am working on letting go and following the God of new things into a glorious adventure He has prepared for me and our family.

"See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:19

Family 4th of July

We spent the 4th of July together, just our family.  It was a great day.  It is days like the day we shared this past Sunday, where I remember that in the days following Ashlyn's birth, I really thought I would never enjoy these kinds of days again.  I felt like the things I had always enjoyed and loved would never be the same again.  I was so wrong.  I think I love them more because of the new love we have found and the goodness of God that we just keep tasting more of. 

We relaxed and had a blast together.  We had some great food that Troy made for us on the grill.  As Kyla was eating she kept saying, "4th of July food is so yummy!"  We followed that meal up with some peach cobbler that Kyla helped me make.  I knew Ashlyn wouldn't be able to stay awake for the fireworks, but I was planning on Kyla staying up and seeing some with us....just ones we could see in our neighborhood.  She didn't make it.  By about 8:45 it was pretty clear she would be much happier in her bed.  So, Troy and I headed outside and he decided to go get us some sparklers for us.  Really fun.....we hung out on our back porch, watched fireworks in the sky and lit some sparklers.

I have always loved the 4th of July and this one was just another great day of celebrating to add to my list of memories. Yes, life has changed, but the joys of life and family are stronger than ever.  Here are some pictures of our day:

Ashlyn is ready for the day

Kyla was so excited to wear her 4th of July outfit

Helping mommy with the peach cobbler

Ready to go in the oven

One little cutie ready to eat!

Kyla hanging with Daddy while he grills

Someone was so hungry she had to sneak some food from her plate

Kyla on probably her third piece of watermelon

I think this shows her statement of, "4th of July food is so yummy"

Ready for a wagon ride

Ashlyn is loving it

Relaxing...

Glowing with my sparkler

Troy joining in the sparkler fun

The goodness of God....we just keep tasting it.

It goes by fast....

Ever since Troy and I became parents, everyone started telling us how fast it goes by....how fast the baby you are holding will grow up.  I am starting to have more moments of realizing how true that is as Kyla gets older.  Over the last two weeks she was in her first swimming class and there were many moments where I was thinking about what a big girl she is getting to be.  Now, I know I am not about to send her off to college any time soon, but these little beginnings of growing up are starting to come faster and faster.  I think the fact that she will be starting preschool this fall is a big part of it too. 

There really are moments where I wish we could just pause time and keep it here.  I know I can't and I know as she gets older and new things come, we will cherish each season.  For now, I am really loving this season.  A three year old girl who we love more everyday.  A girl who just finished her first time of swimming lessons and had such a great time.  I was a little worried about it at first because Kyla is naturally a girl who takes things in before she tries them, but she did really well with the swimming.  The first couple of days she was pretty hesitant to leave my side and walk with her teacher and the rest of the class to the pool.  One night before she was going to sleep we were praying with her and I told her we could ask Jesus to help her not to be scared to walk with her teacher to the pool.  We prayed and by the third day of class she was just strutting her little self right up there when her teacher called her name.  Later she told me that Jesus helped her.  I love these little lessons of faith that are being planted in her heart.  Lessons that I keep learning as I am teaching her.....seeing how my three year old believes that if you ask Jesus to help you, He will.

Here are some pictures of our big girl loving her swimming lessons:

Here she is with her class listening to the teacher at the beginning of class

Raising her hand when her name is called....melt my heart!

Little sister watching big sister

Drying off after class

We started a practice of having marshmallows when we got home from swimming lessons

Kicking their legs at the beginning of class...Kyla didn't love getting her face splashed

Loving the water

Taking a big breath in before blowing bubbles out in the water

Lining up for class when her name is called....no fear!

Ready to walk to the pool with her class

Mommy and Kyla waiting for class to start

Kyla and one of her best buddies, Alyssa, enjoying an after swim class treat at Starbucks.  Alyssa is the daughter of one of my best buddies, Tracy, and our girls both had swimming at the same time.  We decided we all needed a treat.

The mommas....Tracy and I made it through two weeks of leaving our houses at 8:30 to get to swimming in time.  There is nothing better than having a really good friend to share all of this with.

My sweet firstborn having fun during the last day of her swimming lessons

I am loving all of these moments of "growing up".....and the memories and building of our faith that comes with them.