New Year

I have sat down to right a blog post several times in recent days and have had trouble writing it.  I think sometimes the beginning of a new year feels so big, it is hard to know what to say.  When one year ends and another begins I can feel emotional sometimes, in a mostly good way.  It is just really heavy to look back over a whole year and be on the threshold of a new one, not knowing what awaits you.  But the really great thing is to know that at the beginning of 2011 I had no idea what awaited me in the next 365 days, but as it came to a close, I could look back and see all of the joys, sorrows and everything in between and be reminded that God had planned out each second of that year and carried me through it all.

I can say without hesitation that 2009 was the most difficult year of my life to this point.  It was during that year that I felt my whole world had been turned upside down and I was convinced it would never be the same again.  2010 brought a year of extreme growth and stretching for me and for our family.  It was a mixed year.....still full of questions and grieving at times, but also the dawning of a new hope and a new day.  A time of redemption and putting back together broken hearts.  A year of seeing that God is exactly who He says He is and He can do exactly what He says He can do.  2011 has been a year of seeing such beauty come from ashes that sometimes I can't believe how great the joy is.  We had to have the 2009 for the 2011 to be what it has been.   Quite often the deepest sorrow births the greatest joy.

And I say all of that not knowing one bit about what 2012 may hold.  Even as the year has begun, I find myself talking about certain plans or hopes and deep in my heart I know I have to say those things with open hands.  Hands open to receive what God wills.  2009 taught me that.  2009 allowed me to start 2012 knowing that I am not in control and each second I am tempted to believe I am, it doesn't take long for me to remember the truth.  There have been times, still are, where that thought seems scary to me.  But through God's grace, it is becoming freedom for me.  How beautiful it is that God allows the moments and in some cases, the moment, of a year to change your life for all the years ahead.

There are some things I do know as 2012 is starting.  I know that this is the year that my firstborn, Kyla, is going to turn five (next week) and the year she will start kindergarten.  It is happening and my heart is doing its best to get ready.  And I know that this is the year my Ashlyn will turn three and begin preschool.  And my heart is doing its best to get ready for that.  I know that this is the year my husband and I will celebrate ten years of marriage.  Sheer joy runs through me as I type it simply because of how much I love him.  And as 2007 began, I knew I would become a mommy that year, but I didn't know what all of the days of that year would look.  At the beginning of 2009, I knew I would be having another baby, but only God knew how that baby and that year would change the course of all of my other years, all for the better.  He is so good.  And at the beginning of 2002 I knew I was going to become Troy's wife but I didn't know what all of the years in between would look like and here we are about to celebrate ten years of marriage and I am so in love with him I can hardly stand it. That is what I love about new years, looking back and seeing how all of the years come together to bring you to the next.

There is something about a new year starting that causes some fear in me, though.  It is that realization that as the calendar is opened to a new year with blank days in it, we really have no way of knowing what will fill those days.  The fear of not knowing what all will happen this year.   I wish I could say that wasn't true but it is.  Someone I have come to love this past year is Ann Voskamp (if you haven't checked out her blog you really should.....www.aholyexperience.com).  Anyway, the other day on her blog she made the statement that "a woman can know faith in her head and fear in her heart."  The thing about 2009 is that it showed me something you think will never happen can most certainly happen.  It shook me up big time.  It blindsided me because I thought I knew how the year would play out. But the beauty of 2009 is that as I begin 2012 not knowing what the year holds, the faith is getting to my heart.  Less fear and more faith, knowing that whatever disappointments, sorrows or surprises this year holds, God will carry us and use it to transform us for the years ahead.  And that is not just an easy answer, but a faith I seek and pray for God to give me more of everyday.  Ann Voskamp said she may call 2012, "the year of no fear."  I think I may have to steal it for myself.

All I know for sure about 2012 is that God has ordained all of the days of it.  I know He is faithful and good.  That is all I know for sure.  But that is enough for me to welcome 2012 with open hands and receive all He has to give.  Happy New Year.