I have had to go back and read some of my older blog posts lately to remind myself of some things. I just read a post where I wrote what I was feeling when Ashlyn wasn't crawling yet, because in recent days the reality of her not walking yet has hit me. I feel it when I am carrying her around and I feel how heavy she is getting. I felt it when we were recently with a family (dear friends of ours) who has a 14 month old little girl and she was walking all over the place. It really is okay and I really am okay, there are just moments where the word "disability" comes into my head. I don't really ever think about the fact that Ashlyn is considered someone with a disability, because to us she has become just Ashlyn and she isn't defined in that way. But, when the the delays are more obvious, as they are right now, I feel it.
I knew I had been feeling it more as Ashlyn gets heavier and taller. I have been feeling it as I see the days on the calendar pass and know that in just a few days she will be 22 months old, which is really close to two years old. The other night as I got into bed, I felt the tears hitting my pillow. And in that instant I felt the arms of my husband around me, as they have been every time the tears come. And, all I could say was, "It hurts. It hurts to see it." And, the thing is, it does hurt. When the delays get more and more obvious, it hurts. But, even as I laid in bed and cried, underneath the hurt, there was peace. Peace because I know she will walk. Peace because I know she is so loved and perfectly created by God. I am learning that peace and pain can definitely exist at the same time.....and that together they equal beautiful. There is beauty when the tears come and I feel heaviness on my chest.....moments when I find myself having to still accept all of this at times. Moments when the weight of her future feels so heavy to me. The beauty comes when all of those things are happening, the tears are falling and at the same time there is peace.
Shortly after Ashlyn was born, I became connected with another mom who had a two year old little girl with Down Syndrome and she said to me that at that point in her journey the best way to describe things was, "....it is at times a lot of crying and then moving on." But, seriously, doesn't that describe life for most of us? Crying and moving on. Who of us doesn't have something, some amount of pain that just makes us cry? The "moving on" part is where I think God comes in. I know for me personally there would be little moving on without the peace of God in my life.
There are days when the tears come. There are days when I wonder if I have enough endurance. There are days when the delays seem to be so obvious and I feel discouraged. But, there is peace. I just finished reading a book with this really great quote that says, "Love of God is pure when joy and suffering inspire an equal degree of gratitude." Whoa. That is hard. Some days it is harder than others. But, I am finding a place where I am grateful for the pain because of the beauty it produces. Pain mixed with peace equals beauty.
Great post. So true. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteWhen we can feel peace in the midst of our pain, we know that God is working in the situation. I had some tears today. There are things that happen that remind me over and over again how much I must lean on His grace and just trust.
ReplyDeleteThis post touched me today.
Shari,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your heart and your joy for the Lord and for your daughters is rich and it flows from your words.
Thanks for the sweetness of the image of grief and peace dancing together.
Dan and Erin Gildner
I just came over here via a link on another blog. It does get better, challenges change, life goes on, tears still fall, but it's good. God created her in His image. He loves her. He has written her story already. His pages of her book are the best. It's sometimes hard to read those pages when we want the words to be different, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI have six children, we lost number 7 and 8 in the past two years. Our number 4, Lottie, has no "label" or named disease or syndrome or disorder, but she has some severe delays and retardations of mind and body. Physically we know she has cerebral palsy and is a left-side hemi-plegic. She has been tested for Cri du Chat that was returned inconclusive. Doctors say the deletion is so minor it's not easily measured, but are treating her as positive because of symptoms and characteristics. We were told she would never walk, at the least never on her own, and that she'd never use her left hand. I look at those doctors and said, "Yes she will! She is a left-side dominant like her father and some siblings and I will not force her to use her right hand. She wants to try and I WILL LET HER!" She took her first steps on her own when she was 26 months old. I cried. I cried big happy alligator tears. I clapped and cheered when my others took their first steps but I cried and cheered and shouted from the rooftops when Lottie did it! And it was all the more glorious because we were at home, not at therapy, not trying, not doing anything other than playing and she just did it. She let go and walked to me FIVE whole steps. She's nine now. She works between third grade reading and kindergarten math. She loves deeply. She is anyone's biggest encourager! Her siblings call her The Family Cheerleader.