Less like haunted, more like remember

This Monday I have been thinking about what a great weekend we just finished and what a special one is to come next.  Our Easter weekend was very special.  It all started with a very meaningful Good Friday service at our church and finished with a celebration on Sunday morning, knowing that our God overcame death so that we could have eternal life in Him.  I am so grateful.  Along with that were lots of other things that made my heart so happy this weekend.....

Kyla helping Daddy out in the yard

Ashlyn loving it outside

She was such a happy girl out in the fresh air

Kyla with some of the jelly beans that she ate lots of

Kyla loving it outside too.....taking a cruise on her Barbie jeep

 Ready for church in their Easter dresses

 Trying out a standing pose.....

 Me and Kyla in our Easter best

Hunting for eggs

 We were especially blessed this year because my Uncle Mark, Aunt Tammy and cousins, Scott and Matt were able to be with us for Easter.  We loved having them here and had such a great time.  I am so thankful for the family God has given me.  And, Kyla was thrilled that her cousins were here and thought they were really fun.

 Ashlyn cuddling with her Great Uncle Mark and Aunt Tammy

Kyla and Ashlyn with their second cousins, Scott and Matt

 This past special weekend is going to be followed up by another really special one this coming weekend when Ashlyn turns two.  I can't believe it. This birthday feels vastly different for me than her first one.  That first birthday was hard and emotional in a lot of ways.....the first time April 30 came around again and reliving all that happened that day.  At the same time, it was such a celebration because of how much we love Ashlyn and for all the countless ways God led us through that first year.

There has been emotions leading up to this second birthday.  I have had my moments and I have had tears.  The mixture of Ashlyn not walking yet and also remembering all that Kyla was doing when she turned two have caused those emotions to come to the surface.  But that is what they have been....just moments.  

Still just saying the words, April 30th causes so many emotions in me.  I will forever remember the smell of the hospital, the doctor saying the words Down Syndrome, seeing my baby with tubes everywhere, hearing words and having conversations I never thought I would, crying so much I thought I would run out of tears  and a million other things.  In the days leading up to her first birthday it was so hard to have that day come around again for the first time.  It feels different this year.  There is a song by Sara Groves called, "Less Like Scars" and she beautifully describes the ways God takes pain and turns it into beauty.  One of the phrases I love from that song says that in God's hands it is, "less like haunted, more like remember." 

That is how I feel.....on her first birthday I still felt haunted by all that took place on that day.  This year, it is more like I remember.  Only God can do that.  Take haunted and turn it into remember.  So, on April 30 we will remember all the things that happened that day and all the tears we cried and all the ways we thought we couldn't do it.  And we will remember those things because they happened and they are real, but they don't haunt us because God isn't the author of haunting, He is the author of healing.  And that is exactly what He continues to do in our hearts.

More than anything on April 30, we are going to celebrate the life of a blessing bigger than we could have ever dreamed for ourselves.  Because when this is in your life, how can you not celebrate?

Tulips

Tulips are my favorite kind of flower.  Not just because I think they are really pretty, but because they mean a lot to me.  I have always loved them.  Troy and I had a spring wedding (May 18) and so I chose tulips as the flowers for our wedding.  I carried all white tulips and my bridesmaids carried bunches of pink and purple tulips.  Here we are on my wedding day.....all of us with our tulips. (As I held them that day, I had no idea how much they would come to mean to me in the future).

Because I love tulips and because they were the flowers for our wedding, I love having them planted at our house.  When you walk out our front door right now, you are greeted by tulips....pink and purple, just like at  our wedding.

After Ashlyn was born, lots of people began asking me if I had read the poem, "Welcome to Holland."  I actually had read it before at some point in my life and was also given a copy of it while Ashlyn was in the NICU.  It is really beautiful.....

Welcome to Holland - by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." 

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

When we brought Ashlyn home from the hospital it took me many weeks to be able to sit down and read that poem.  People were sending it to me in email attachments and I had the copy from the hospital.  I remember when I did finally read it, I cried hot tears over the whole thing.  Mainly because of how much I wanted to be in Italy.  I had already been to Italy once with my first child and I really thought I couldn't be happy anywhere else. 

As we are nearing our two year mark in Holland (Ashlyn will be two at the end of this month), I am realizing more everyday all of the very beautiful things about it. Days still come where I long for the life of Italy, but I am also seeing that life with Ashlyn has a lot more of Italy than I ever thought it would. 

Almost nine years ago on my wedding day as I carried around a bouquet of tulips, I had no idea that one day Troy and I would be given a child that would take us on a different journey than we expected.  A journey more beautiful than we could have dreamed.  And maybe the reason we are finding ourselves more and more at a home in a place we never thought we would be is because there is a part of us there that has been with us since the beginning....tulips.  I love it because it is like a little piece of Ashlyn was with us on our wedding day. Every spring when I see the tulips blooming, I will always think of my husband and our wedding day and a little girl that took us to Holland and showed us how amazing it is there.....and that they even have tulips.

The family that gets sick together, stays together

Good grief, it feels like we just got done with sickness at our house.  I thought we were in the clear until the other night while at dinner with some of my girlfriends, out of nowhere, my throat felt extremely painful.  I came home and told Troy that my throat hurt really bad, thinking that probably by the morning it would be better.  Turns out I was up most of the night realizing it wasn't going away.  The next morning, my sweet husband came home to take Kyla to preschool and after that off we went to the doctor....me, Troy and Ashlyn all hanging out in the doctors office together.....little did we know at that time that all three of us had strep throat.  I got the news first and heard the greatest words a doctor can tell you, "I will call you in some amoxicillin."  I love hearing that because I know amoxicillin works and that pretty soon I will feel better.

While driving home from the doctors office, Troy tells me that he isn't sure if it is in his head or not, but that his throat was starting to hurt really bad.  We already had an appointment scheduled for Ashlyn because we noticed over the weekend she was fussy, stuffed up and not wanting to eat.  While I was at home resting, Troy took Ashlyn to the doctor where they did a strep test and after that the two of them headed over to urgent care where Troy found out he had strep throat......and amoxicillin was called in.  On their way home, Ashlyn's doctors office called and said that Ashlyn strep test showed that she did have strep throat.....amoxicillin was called in.

And so our kitchen counter looks like this.....antibiotics all lined up

Out of all of us, Ashlyn has handled it the best.  She has had her moments of discomfort, but has still been the happy little girl we know.   Troy and I have had some tougher moments.  Strep throat just does not feel good....it makes you dread every time you have to swallow.  And also makes you realize how often you have to swallow.  My beloved amoxicillin is doing its job and I am feeling better.  Troy is still dreading the swallows, but is getting there.

And, Kyla......no sickness for her.  As of now, she is strep throat fear and I am praying it stays that way.  She has been the best little girl while we have all been sick.  She told me several times that she was praying for Jesus to help me feel better.  She has been so content to entertain herself while the rest of us required more rest than usual.  I love her so much.  Tonight her and I were able to get away together for a little bit to a fair at her preschool.....here she is showing off her "face painting" that she wanted on her hand instead of her face.

It has not been a fun couple of days.  It is never easy when almost the whole family is sick at once....at least you can just get it over with.  The thing is, in sick days or healthy days, I could not love them more.  These days I am thankful for amoxicillin, but more than that I am thankful for my family. We get through it together.  Hoping for healthy days ahead.

Family visits and car trips

We just got back from a great weekend at my parents house.  It was a special time because we were celebrating my dad's 60th birthday.  We had such a great time....I love being with my family.

My wonderful parents....getting ready to celebrate

 Being silly for his granddaughters

 Enjoying some birthday cake

Along with a birthday party, we loved being together and spending a lot of time outside in the beautiful weather.....

Troy playing a little corn hole

 And Kyla playing some ladder golf....she did great!

 Blowing bubbles....always a favorite

 Ashlyn was showing off her skills, like standing

 and taking some steps with her Great Grandma

 Snuggling with Aunt Kara, who Ashlyn happens to think is the best at singing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider"....she signed for Kara to sing it to her over and over. 

 Lots of playing

 Me and my love

We loved our time together with family and being able to celebrate with my Dad....I love him!  But, all good things have to come to an end, which for us means, packing everything up and loading two girls back into the car.  Car trips with a 4 year old and almost 2 year old can be rough....this particular trip proved to be just that.

 Things started off so well....right after this picture Ashlyn went right to sleep and Kyla entertained herself with books and a snack

Well, then Ashlyn woke up and things went down hill from there.  Ashlyn hates being in her car seat for long periods of time. Once you see her pushing her chest out to try to get out of her buckles you know it is going to get ugly.  As the ugliness started to intensify, we decided to make a stop for supper.....we picked Panera in Champaign, IL.  We knew we needed to be out of the car for awhile.  We made quite the entrance.....we walked into Panera with a screaming Ashlyn followed by a screaming Kyla who fell out of a chair while I was trying to calm down Ashlyn.  It is the moments where you feel the frustration rising but also kind of want to laugh.  What I love about my husband is.....he laughs.  As all of this was happening we looked at each other and started laughing....what else can you do?  Well, lots of other things, but this particular time we chose to laugh.

Here are the two road warriors loving a break from the car

Unfortunately, once that break was over, things got even worse in the car.  Ashlyn wanted out of her seat more than life itself

I moved to the back seat to try to calm things down....here is me singing to my screaming girl.  And, I love my husband for taking this picture.  Just capturing the moments from this season of our life.

 I decided to capture a moment too....Ashlyn was crying so hard we had to pull over and give her a little break.  Here she is being comforted by her daddy on the side of a country road about 25 minutes from home

For the record, tough car trips are always worth time spent with family.  A lot of little moments that add up to a really great life.

Family Fridays.....I love them

Every Friday we spend the whole day together as a family.  To say I love Friday's would be a huge understatement.  To get to spend the whole day with my husband and our two girls is heaven on earth to me.  And the thing is that it doesn't matter what we are doing.  Almost every Friday, no matter what we are doing, I am always thinking that really it couldn't get any better than this.

Today for family Friday we decided to spend the day in Indy at the children's museum.  We had a blast and the girls loved it.  It was really, really crowded today, probably because of Spring Break.  I was curious to see what the girls would like best.  They both really liked the "play scape" area, which is a preschool play area.  Lots of room for Ashlyn to crawl around and lots to touch.  Kyla loved trying everything there.  There is a Dora the Explorer exhibit at the museum right now, which I thought would be Kyla's favorite.  But, her favorite thing was the dinosaur area....she loved it.  She thought it was all so cool.  At one point it starts making rain and thunder noises in the dinosaur area....this was not a problem.  But, after that the dinosaurs started making roaring noises.  I saw Kyla freeze for a minute and I thought she would move on.  But, she looked at me as serious as could be and said, "Mommy, I know those dinosaurs aren't real, but they scare me.  I don't like when they make those noises."  Then there were a few tears but after we talked about it for a minute, she was okay.  She told us on the way home that the dinosaurs were her favorite. 

Ashlyn loved every minute of all of it.  She was in her element....lots of action, lots of people around and lots to see.  It was packed there today, which was fine with her because that meant more people to wave at.  Lots of waving and smiling for Ashlyn today!  And, Troy and I had a blast because we were together and loved seeing the girls reactions to everything.  We had such a great day together and these are some of the reasons why......

Ashlyn at the water table in the play scape area....this is the calm before the storm

 And here comes the storm......big splashing and loving every minute of it. 

 Kyla having some fun at the water table too

 Focusing at the sand table

 Ashlyn loved this rocking horse

 Laughing.....

 And moving all around

 Some tractor fun

 Planting flowers in the garden

 Dora!

 Measuring dinosaur bones

 Talking on a Barbie phone in the Barbie exhibit

 Getting Barbie all dressed

 Taking a snooze

 Eating some ice cream

 Two sisters after a day of lots of fun....I love these girls

So thankful for my family.