Thanks in all things

I recently finished reading a book called, "One Thousand Gifts," by Ann Voskamp. It is an incredible book. I had not known of Ann Voskamp until I was given this book. She is an unbelievable writer. This book has challenged me immensely. If I were to sum up the book in just a few words it would be.....give thanks in all things.

Throughout the book, the author shares her journey in a really honest way. Her journey toward a life of gratitude towards God for all things. Through her journey she began a gratitude journal where everyday, all through the day she would write down every single thing she was grateful for....from very small to big. She shares some of her entries throughout the book and I loved reading them because it opened my eyes. It opened my eyes to all of the hundreds of things everyday....blessings straight from God's hand that there are to be grateful for, that I know I overlook. Either because I am too busy, or because I am worried, or because I am complaining about something. The best thing about this book is that it has caused me to really intentionally think about how much there is to be grateful for everyday. For example, here are what some of my entries would be from today....

1. Ashlyn's huge smile as soon as I walk into her room in the morning
2. Kyla praying at breakfast
3. Sunshine
4. My mom comforting me over the phone this morning
5. Hearing Kyla and Ashlyn giggle together
6. My husband sending me a text to tell me he loves me
7. Clean, folded laundry
8. A great conversation with my friend, Tracy
9. Kyla whispering in my ear, "I love Ash"
10. Seeing Troy do what he has been called by God to do
11. Kyla waving to the cows on McCarty Lane
12. The cows on McCarty Lane
13. Blooming flowers
14. God's providence
15. Ashlyn blowing kisses
16. Lafayette First Church of the Nazarene
17. Kara is feeling better today
18. Ashlyn working on taking steps
19. Arms to carry Ashlyn until she can walk on her own
20. Kneeling beside Kyla's bed with Troy....four year old prayers

The list could go on. Try it. I am finding the more I am praising and thanking, the less I am worrying. And the thing I love about this book is that it is not a cheesy, try this and your life will be great sort of thing. It is a real, honest look at the daily fight we are in between ingratitude and joy. Between fear and trust. Between living our lives demanding all of our rights and opening our hands to receive what God gives. To see everything God gives as grace....everything. Even the hard things.

This is where this book became even more challenging for me.....gratitude in pain and suffering. As it says in the book..."How to lay open the hand for this moment's bread....when it will hurt." How to see even the pain as God's grace. How to hear the words, "Down Syndrome" and think grace. How to say "yes" with open hands to anything that God gives.

I feel like I practically have the whole book underlined because there was so much I wanted to go back and look at. Here are some parts that really spoke to me....

"I see what I am. I'm amputated. I have hacked my life up into grace moments and curse moments. The chopping that has cut myself off from the embracing love of a God who does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow (Lamentations 3:33), but labors to birth grief into greater grace. Isn't this the crux of the gospel? The good news that suffering nourishes grace and pain and joy are arteries of the same heart - and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty.

Jesus showed us at the Last Supper how to transfigure all things....take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness. This is the hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty. The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good. The hard discipline to number the griefs as grace.

I am learning to open my hands and receive what God gives.  It is a daily decision....the daily decision to say "thank you" to God for everything....from the easy to the hard.  I am learning there is a reason that God's Word tells us to "give thanks in all things."  It is for our good.  God knows what is best for us.  Giving thanks in all things protects us from bitterness, pride and discontentment.  Giving thanks brings joy....in all things.  Even the things we never, ever thought could bring us joy. 

"Life change comes when we receive life with thanks and ask for nothing to change."  Ann Voskamp

Spain comes to Indiana and some thoughts from Ashlyn

We are still on cloud nine around here that Troy is home from his two week trip.  We missed him so much.  It was so great to see the girls reunited with him on Friday morning right after they woke up.  Kyla ran into his arms and Ashlyn's eyes lit up with pure joy and her arms instantly shot up for daddy to hold her.  And they were both happy to get some gifts that daddy got for them in Europe.  Troy got Kyla and Ashlyn flamenco dresses from Spain...they are the cutest things and the girls look so cute in them.  Kyla wore hers all day long....a little bit of Europe right here in Indiana......

In other news, we are getting quite the little chatter box on our hands.  One of the first things we were told after Ashlyn was born was that she would most likely be delayed in speech.  She does have a speech delay, but is very expressive and quite the communicator.  She is always learning new sign language and can say several words.  The best thing is that lately it is like she is really, really trying to have a conversation with us.....she wants us to know something.  There are words in there and I know one of these days they will be coming out.  One day last week my friend Tracy was over and while our kids were playing we noticed that Ashlyn was jabbering up a storm.....she was making us laugh so much.  Here is the little chatter box letting you know her thoughts.....

Two weeks are almost over

Two weeks ago, through tears, I hugged my husband goodbye as he was leaving for a two week trip to Europe with four other pastors.  It was so hard to see him go and at that time I was thinking of how happy I would be on March 24 when he would come back.  Hello, March 24!!  I just talked to Troy after he had just landed in the Philadelphia airport and I kept telling him how happy I am that he is in America. 

The two weeks of separation are almost over....there is going to be a big time reunion in our house tonight!  We made it through and God helped us so much, but we got off to a rough start.  The morning Troy left, Kyla was running a fever and I could tell that Ashlyn was starting to not feel good either.  That night I found myself at urgent care with two really sick girls and a husband half way across the world.  I called my friend Tracy before we left in tears and cried to my sister as we were driving there.  Rough start, but the days were made easier along the way.  Things started getting easier the next day as soon as I pulled up to the Indy airport and saw my sisters face.  She spent a weekend with us and much of it included her helping me care for two coughing, fevered girls.  There is nothing like a sister....you can relax and calm down and know that she loves your kids just as much as you do.  And in the middle of all of it, we had such a blast together. I am so grateful she was here. 

Here are the two sick girls not all the way better, but on their way after a visit from Aunt Kara

The days continued to pass and we missed daddy so much. We got through the time by.....

Wearing green on St. Patrick's Day and looking as darling as can be

We headed over to Springfield, IL where we spent a weekend with Grandma and Grandpa.....it helped us so much to be with people we really love.  Kyla and Ashlyn were very happy playing, hunting for Easter eggs and having a blast with Grandma, Grandpa and Aunt Heidi.

My sister in law, Heidi, was kind of enough to come over and spend a couple of days with us.  There are a couple of things you should know about Heidi.....she is a really fun aunt and she is awesome at organizational/decorating projects.  She knows how to use a drill and everything....seriously impressive.  Before she came out she asked me if there were any projects that I could use help with.....a definite yes to that.  When you have two small kids, there just isn't always a lot of extra time for projects, that is why I was so blessed by Heidi while she was here.  Some of the results of all of her help are....

new decorative plates hung above the plain open space above our kitchen cabinets

and neatly re-organized kitchen cabinets.  At one point in the project, things looked like this.  It is usually at this point in projects like this that I start to feel like I can't breathe and get so overwhelmed by where everything should go that I just want to quit.  Heidi helped me forge ahead and now when I open my cabinets I feel much more calm.

We enjoyed some really pretty first days of Spring.....

sisters loving each other and some fresh Spring air

Big girl standing!  These days whenever she does this she yells out, "Big!" She wants us all to know how big she is :)

Daffodils blooming....hello, Spring.  Too bad it is like 42 degrees today...

We made it through two weeks without daddy and limited phone conversations.  We made it through a week of sickness and we were blessed by the company of our family.  Now, we are ready to have the man in our lives back home.....counting the minutes and getting ready for the big time reunion.

Missing my husband.......a lot

Many months ago my husband first told me of the opportunity he had been given to go to Europe for two weeks in March of 2011 along with a small group of pastors to meet with missionaries there.  When he first told me about it, I was so excited for him to get the chance to go and knew it would be something he would love and that God could use.  My very next thought was how very long two weeks would be to be away from each other.  As the months went by and the days got closer to the trip, my heart started to feel more and more sad. 

I remember when Troy and I were engaged and people who had been married for awhile would give us their two cents on things.  I can remember a few couples saying things like, "I know you love being together every second right now, but soon you will want to get away from each other."  Ummmm, depressing.  That is what I was thinking at time, how sad that they felt that way.  I enjoy alone time as much as the next person, but I can honestly say I really, really love being with my husband.  I still feel like I would much rather be with him than not.  He is my best friend, the one I am the most myself with and the most comfortable with.  The one I laugh the easiest with and have a blast with.  He also makes me feel taken care of and safe.  So, as the two week trip was getting closer, I was starting to dread it more.

Troy is in Madrid, Spain as I type this and will be preaching at a Nazarene church there in the morning.  We are a little half way through the trip and we are making it, but miss each other terribly.  We are getting through with brief skype conversations or phone calls where the connection gets cut off.  Troy misses Kyla and Ashlyn so much and they miss him.  When I talked to him on the phone today he told me that when he gets home he is hugging all of us and never letting go....I can't wait for that.

Life is just better when we are together.  When our family is together.  I miss the everyday stuff we share.  I miss the hugs and laughter and talks. I miss that these days we aren't watching all of the college basketball games together and talking about whose bracket is doing better ( I can promise you that his is at this point....things are not looking good for me right now). 

I am so happy that Troy got to be a part of this trip and for the pastors that went along with him.  I am grateful for the Himmelwright's, who are the wonderful missionaries in Europe that he has spent these two weeks with.  I am thankful for all of the pastors Troy has met in Europe and has gotten the chance to talk with, dream with and pray with.  I can't wait to hear all about it and see all of his pictures.  I am so grateful for our families, friends and for our church family who has taken such good care of me and the girls while Troy has been away.  I love you so much.  Most of all I am grateful for my husband and the marriage God has given to us.  I am thankful that we miss each other like crazy when we are away from each other and that life is so much better together than apart.  Come home soon, Troy.....there are three girls waiting for you who are ready to hug you and never let go.

Go away sick days

We are hard up around here.  Sickness has invaded us and it feels like it is never going to leave.  Both of my girls have been hit by it.  These days it is around the clock coughing, wiping noses, taking temperatures, being amazed that the temperatures are still there, breathing treatments, fevered bodies laying on mama, the singing of "Jesus Loves Me" over and over again to calm down the fevered ones, rubbing backs in the middle of the night and rounds of medicine.  Both Kyla and Ashlyn are feeling it.  All Kyla can do is lay down and I think she has watched more t.v. in the last three days than in her whole life (thank goodness for on demand Sesame Street/PBS Sprout).  Ashlyn has had a runny nose and cough for awhile that has turned into a sinus infection.  If you need to see a description of what hard up looks like, here you go....

Kyla exhausted and running a fever.  It has been days since she has taken a bath....the really old princess tattoo on her hand is the first indication of that

 I am not sure there is a picture more pitiful than this, but it pretty much sums up life for us this week

I am praying for it to end....they are so miserable and there is not much I can do except love them and make them as comfortable as I can.  Kyla has a virus that medicine can't do anything for and Ashlyn is on antibiotics....we will see who can spring back to life first....I am hoping for a tie....and really soon.  In the meantime we are.....

Eating popsicles to make our throat feel better

and trying to comfort each other 

and we are dreaming of days of health that look like our old selves a couple of weeks ago.....

 Little sis so happy to be with big sis

 laughing because it tickles

 and being so happy

Yes, those are the days we are longing for.   Praying for those days to come again soon and for my girls to be relieved of all of this.  We are getting really sick of sick days.......

***Update....after the original writing of this, we went to urgent care this evening because their coughs seemed to be getting worse.  Turns out Kyla has a double ear infection and got antibiotics and Ashlyn got a liquid steroid medication to help with the inflammation in her chest.  Like I said, we are sick of sick days, but thankful for medicine.

Stand on up

Every new little thing around here is celebrated.  I am learning the great joy of celebrating even the littlest thing.  The truth of the matter is I believe this how we should live always, but I know I always haven't.  God graciously gave us the gift of Ashlyn to open our eyes to the joy of celebration.  The joy of celebrating what a great gift we are given every time she does something new.....learns a new sign, utters a new word or reaches a new physical milestone.  Embracing this new world of things coming a little slower, but thankfulness being fuller is opening my eyes to a lot.  It is continually showing me the extreme grace God showed to us in making Ashlyn our daughter......because God is lovingly leading us down a path of less worry and more praise.  I never would have thought on the day Ashlyn was born that this would be one of the greatest gifts of her little life or that this would be one of the miracles God would work in me.  To worry less and praise more.  And it still boggles my mind that this gift of God started so painfully.  Beauty from ashes.....that is God's signature way.  Whatever you are experiencing right now that seems so very downright painful, give it time and you may see one of God's greatest miracles in your life born out of that very pain. That is simply His way....nothing is wasted. (And, I will interject here that just as God has been opening my eyes lately to less worry and more praise, my sweet friend, Nicole, gave me an incredible book called, "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Vos Kamp that speaks so beautifully on this very thing.  It is amazing and God greatly used this book in my life to further open my heart to worrying less and praising more. I am sure I will write more about the book another time....for now, thank you, Nicole, for this great book). 

So, on the note of praise and celebration.....Ashlyn has some new moves these days.  She has been pulling up on furniture and standing by it for some time now.  A few weeks ago she stood up all by herself in the middle of the room.  So awesome.  The only problem is she won't always do it on command and when she does it is so fast that I can't get in on video quick enough.  So, here is the next best thing.....



We are so proud of her.....and she is so thrilled with herself every time she stands up and we clap for her. Celebrating, worrying less and praising more.

I see a bright future

I follow a few blogs written by other moms who have a child with Down Syndrome.  The other day I was catching up with one of these blogs and saw a video that had been posted a few weeks ago.  After watching it, I was so happy.  It is a video about a 22 year old girl with Down Syndrome and the amazing things she is doing with her life.  I cried while I was watching it.  I showed it to my husband and he cried.  They were happy tears for both of us.  I think the tears come because we vividly remember a doctor confirming Ashlyn's diagnosis and all that we felt.  In many ways, I know there were parts of us at that time that thought the future was anything but bright.  That is why when we see a video like this, we cry.  We cry because it is like God sending us a tangible piece of hope.  I think we also cry because it is like we are looking at our daughter and that makes us so happy.  Take a look.....



I was so happy after watching that video, because that girl is happy!  She is full of joy!  Who doesn't want that for any of their children, Down Syndrome or not?  I loved it because I could so see something like this in Ashlyn's future because she loves music.  Anytime there is music on or someone is singing to her, she is so happy.  I was so encouraged because of how well this girl spoke....so clear and well spoken (and even a little bit of a cute southern accent, since she is from South Carolina).  Troy and I looked at each other after watching it, just completely amazed.  No one can watch a video and say that is exactly what their child's future will be like, but we can see that having a child with Down Syndrome could mean a really, really bright future. 

This video made me cry happy tears because I saw a beautiful girl with Down Syndrome who was doing something she loved, bringing joy to others and radiating joy and happiness herself.  We should all be so fortunate.  At the end of the day who really cares who has the most money, nicest house or the fanciest job title?  This video showed me a picture of what true joy looks like even though there was a time when I thought there was no way a diagnosis of Down Syndrome could have anything to do with joy.  God works like that....takes something you think will be mostly full of pain and heartache and stamps His joy all over it.