Four years later

It is crazy for me to even write that Ashlyn turned four years old today.  How did that happen so quickly? Four years ago today things changed for us forever.  Four years ago at this exact time, I was holding our only hours old baby girl, but my mind was spinning.  Doctors were saying they believed she had Down Syndrome, but they wouldn't know for sure until they got test results.  That night, four years ago, I was just staring at her.....trying to see what they were saying that they saw.  I couldn't see it yet.  It was honestly hard for me to even believe it.  I really didn't believe it at that point, but my mind started to wonder "what if?"  What if she did have Down Syndrome?  What in the world would it be like?  Nothing that I could think of brought me any comfort.  No thought I could think of regarding a future with Down Syndrome seemed like it would be okay.  That was just hours into it.  As the next couple of days passed I continued to try to imagine what it would be like......there were not a lot of good thoughts, mostly fears.

That was then, and today four years later I wish I could go back and tell myself so many things.  I wish I could tell myself that four years later I would wake to a happy little girl saying, "Hi, mama" when I walk into her room.  I would take that same girl to the park and we would talk on the way there and she would climb stairs and go down slides and laugh and have fun.  I wish I could tell myself that I would fall so in love that my daily thoughts would not be on Down Syndrome, but just of the joy of this child.

When someone has a child, there is no way to know what the future will be like.  It isn't possible.  We all go into it with expectations or ideas, but there is really no way to know any child's future.  While that was true of us four years ago, there were some things we were told to expect.  And those things let us know that Ashlyn would be different.  Her path would be slower and her future would not be full of some of the things we had expected.  Four years later, those things are still true.  Ashlyn is different, in such a beautiful way.  We don't know what all her future will be, but four years into it, things are a far cry from the visions of the future that I thought we would have.  That is all God, that is His nature.  He does more than we can even think or imagine.  He takes shocking news that we think we would never want and it turns it into something we find such joy in.

Here is a look at a day of four year old birthday girl fun......

Cheerios for breakfast are always more fun with a birthday balloon

 Look how big I am!

Pure joy

Slide concentration

Happiness

 Lunch with Daddy

Back home for an after lunch cupcake

Some singing and dancing....this is an everyday occurrence

 Sister love

Watching Daddy grill.....he is making her favorite for her birthday....hamburgers!

Yum

Happy birthday girl

Every day we live there is such evidence of God's faithfulness in our lives.  For us, this day in particular will always stand out.  We remember where we were four years ago at this time and we see where we are now.....God's faithfulness just showing off.

Joy in the Rain

Last week during a phone conversation with my mom, I mentioned to her that I am learning that no matter how many great things are going on at one time in your life, there are always challenges.  Good with the bad.  Things that make you question or wonder.  Basically, not all things can be all rosy all the time.  Such is life......battles are part of it. 

Last week we were right in the middle of lots of conversations and meetings about Ashlyn's upcoming IEP and the best placement for her for her second year of preschool. It was so heavy on my heart.  Along with that were challenges that had my husband and I seeking God for direction.  There are just days where things can feel heavy.  Which is why, last week on a rainy day, feeling heaviness in my heart, I asked Kyla and Ashlyn if they wanted to take a walk in the rain.  Kyla had just gotten home from school and it was just a little drizzly outside.  I knew my mind could use a change of scenery and fresh air.  The girls were so excited and Kyla couldn't wait to wear her new rain boots and rain coat.  Rain gear on and out we went. 

Ashlyn curious how that umbrella works

The giggles begin. My girls leading me to joy.

 Decided she would like an umbrella of her own to hold

The laughing continues.....so good for the heart

 Sister secrets under the umbrella

Testing out a puddle

 Getting ready to jump

Two little ducklings walking down the street

That rainy day walk was just what I needed.  I needed to go outside and watch two little girls light up at the simpleness of a walk in the rain......all the joys that are hidden there.  Pure joy.  With every step, every giggle, every jump in a puddle my heart became lighter and I was once again reminded that there is always joy in the rain.

It's a GIRL

There is always so much anticipation when you are pregnant to find out if the baby is a boy or a girl.  Recently we had that very exciting doctors appointment and found out for the third time.....it is a girl!!  In the week that followed finding out, I was full of all sorts of emotions. 

Of course, we were excited about the idea of it maybe being a baby boy since we have only girls.  I was worried about disappointing the people who were openly saying they were hoping it was a boy (like it is something I can control).  For me, every time I hear the words "it's a girl" I start to remember every insecurity I felt as a girl growing up and start to doubt myself as a woman capable of raising three girls well.  I felt the sadness and worry of Ashlyn being the "different" one in between two sisters.  Between all of those thoughts and emotions, I was feeling a heaviness that I new was not from God. I was carrying burdens I did not need to carry. It is when I get to points like this, that I have to pray, ask God to help my mind and fill it with truth.

After days of prayer and talking with those who are closest to me, the Lord has been so faithful to help my heart and mind and to remember that He is sovereign over all things.  And in His goodness has chosen us to raise another precious daughter.  He has reminded me that He will give me and Troy all we need to raise three daughters and that He will show us so much beauty between the relationships of Ashlyn and her sisters.  And, since the moment we saw her picture on that ultrasound, we fell in love.  We cannot wait to meet our sweet baby girl #3. 

I love what I read after we found out that our third baby will be a girl.....even when in our human minds we think we know what would be a good plan, if we were to change any of what God has planned for us, we would only be spoiling it.

"His care is infinitely wise and good so that if it were possible for me to alter any part of His plan, I could only spoil it." Jerry Bridges, Trusting God

We don't want to miss any part of what God has planned for us and these three daughters.  And here are two little girls who were very excited to find out that they are getting a little sister. 

Down Syndrome.....are we afraid?

When my husband and I were seriously dating and then became engaged, we did what all normal couples do.....started to dream about our future.  Both of said we would love to have a family together and have three kids.  Fast forward many years later to the Spring of 2009.....our second daughter, Ashlyn, had just been born with Down Syndrome.  I remember clear as day, standing at our kitchen sink, crying and processing and I told Troy that I didn't think I could have any more children.  I couldn't put myself through it......couldn't imagine going through it all again and facing the possibility of it happening again.  In those early days, I really felt those feelings.  Troy listened to me and understood.  A few weeks later, when Ashlyn was about six weeks old, I remember him saying to me with a smile on his face, "I think someday we should have another one."  And I knew he meant it and for that reason among a million others, I love him so much.  And, when he said it, I knew somewhere in the bottom of my heart, somewhere deep down, I agreed with him.

It took us awhile to bring up the subject again.  There were months of deep grieving that gave way to lighter grieving mixed in with smiles.  The grieving and wondering continued but more smiles and more laughter came until eventually all of the feelings of the first month's of Ashlyn's life, feeling in some way that we had been cheated, became replaced with the wonderful reality of knowing, we weren't cheated, we had been given an incredible gift.  And I began to realize that the feelings of joy after our first daughter Kyla had been born were the same I was feeling with Ashlyn.  I look at Ashlyn now and can't imagine our family without her, but I know the grieving was a part of the process.  It had to happen and God used it and I am thankful.

As Ashlyn got older, the conversations about having another baby became more frequent.  Those feelings I have always had about wanting three babies, they were still there.  But, I had a lot of "what-ifs" in my mind.  Troy and I talked and prayed.  We were open with each other about our fears.  I think for me it was a mixture of truly wanting another child but also knowing that God is mysterious and free to do whatever He wants and I can't control Him.  I can be as planned out as I want to be about the timing of another baby, but the bottom line is God is free to do whatever He chooses and it scared me. And the more I thought about it and prayed about, I started to feel so weighed down with that fear until God began to speak to my heart and remind me that I have never been in control.  Never have, never will be.  He always will be. I knew that the only thing holding me back from trying for another baby was fear and that someday I could so live to regret that.  That someday years from now if Kyla ever asked me why we never had any more children, if I was being completely honest, my answer would have to be, "We never had any more children because I was too afraid of what God might give us."  I would never want that to be my answer to anything.  The truth is this powerful, mysterious God did choose to rock my world and shock me with something I never would have dreamed of.  But in His Sovereignty He knew it was for good, for His purposes and for our joy.  Why would I be afraid to trust Him again?

It was in those months leading up to becoming pregnant, we laid all our fears down.  My husband and I made a purposeful decision to have another baby, knowing that we can't control what He chooses to give.  And on a Sunday morning, as I looked at a positive pregnancy test all by myself in our bathroom, I knew the real journey of trust had begun.  We have been to several prenatal visits so far and at each one our doctor has discussed with us early testing for Down Syndrome and to this point we have turned all of those tests down.  I would feel emotional at times, leaving those appointments and fears would start to creep in.  Words from one of my favorite authors, Ann Voskamp from her book "One Thousand Gifts" have meant so much to me.  One afternoon after one of our prenatal visits I read this.....

"The secret of joy's flame is this, humbly let go.  Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control.....let go of my own way, let go of my own fears.  Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire.  Leave the hand open and be.  Be at peace.  Bend the knee and be small and let God give what He chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper surprised thanks.  This is the fuel for joy's flame.  Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will."

That afternoon, reading those words, it was like God had given them just for me in that moment.  Bend the knee and be small and let God give what He chooses to give.  Yes, that is what these nine months of waiting for this baby will be.......bending the knee, letting God give what He chooses to give.  It will be emotional as we carry with us the journey we have been on, but I can't wait for a doctor to hand me a little baby and to see what gift God has chosen to give us.  And to see with my eyes once again....He only gives love.

So, are we afraid that our next baby will be born with Down Syndrome?  In a word....no.  I don't live in fear of that.  I would be lying if I said I don't have moments where fear hits me or I worry how we will be if it were to happen again.  The biggest hurdle of deciding to have another baby after Down Syndrome for me has been the opening myself up again....being vulnerable.  Knowing that God is the only author and giver of life and that I can allow myself to once again carry a life He has created, knowing that He is only good.  We got to that point of trusting or I wouldn't be seeing a growing belly in front of me.  I would have closed myself off to it and always wondered what might have
been. 

My husband I have labeled these months of pregnancy and waiting as "open handed living"......living with open hands to receive whatever God chooses to give.  Our hands and arms cannot wait to receive the third miracle God has chosen to give us.

"The quiet song of gratitude, lures humility out of the shadows because to receive a gift the knees must bend humble and the hand must lie vulnerably open and the will must bow to receive whatever the Giver chooses to give."  Ann Voskamp

Still here......and growing

I am still here.....still trying to be a blogger.  The difference between now and the last blog post I wrote is that I am growing a baby!  We found out right after Thanksgiving that we are expecting our third baby.  We are so thrilled and so thankful!  Along with my first few weeks of pregnancy has come a lot of tiredness.  Like the kind of tired where as soon as our girls are in bed it is all I can do to not fall right asleep.  Pregnancy tired is the best kind of tired, just makes things like blogging in the evening a little harder.  Hoping the second trimester, which I just started, will give some extra boosts of energy. 

The day after we found out.....with a positive pregnancy test :)

Along with that exciting news, our year has gotten off to a great start.  Our January has been full of birthday celebrations for Kyla and Troy.  We celebrated Kyla's 6th birthday a little early with a day in downtown Chicago at the American Girl store for her to pick out her first doll.

Kyla with her new doll who she named, Annabelle

Kyla and Ashlyn in American Girl heaven

Some yummy cupcakes for an afternoon treat

At one of our Chicago favorites.....Giaradanno's

 Our sweet 6 year old

We had a joint birthday celebration for Troy and Kyla, whose birthdays are two days apart.

Sisters surrounded by gifts

Our family

The birthday buddies

Two cakes and two rounds of "Happy Birthday"

"Make a wish"

Yes, I am still here......and growing......

Keeping it Real

When Troy and I first got married we started the tradition of getting a real Christmas tree at Christmas time.  At the time we lived in a little apartment in suburban Kansas City and the real tree experience consisted of going to Lowe's, finding one we liked and shoving it into the back of Troy's Honda Civic with rope tied around it. Classy. :) After moving from there we decided to go the fake, pre-lit route.  We liked it okay but then one day while looking through a Midwest Living magazine stumbled upon a beautiful Christmas tree farm right in our backyard.  We haven't looked back since.....from here on out, I think we will be keeping it real.  The experience of finding just the right one, cutting it down and the wonderful smell.  We love it.

So a couple weeks back we made our trip to Dull's Tree Farm to find our tree for this year.

This girl adores her Daddy.  On the way to go find our tree.

Kyla has the tree cart

 Ashlyn is loving it

In front of our tree for this year

Troy getting to work

Freshly cut

Following the tree....

A break for some hot chocolate

 The girls could have played in these big presents for a long time

Lots of trees

Another year and another special day of finding our tree.  Keeping it real.